There is no “right” way to grieve. But finding new ways to heal when grief rears its head is a mission for artist Katie Southworth.
Southworth lost her mom 11 years ago. And she opened up on Instagram about a helpful grieving method she’s implemented when sadness overwhelms her on the anniversary of her mom’s passing called “grieving like a buffalo”.
“Grief may be lifelong, but it’s always possible to reclaim joy,” Southworth tells Upworthy. “Rainbows do come after rain, you just have to fight for it.”
Recurring grief after mom’s passing
In her video, Southworth shares with viewers that she “didn’t want to do this today. I really didn’t. I wanted to go to the studio, pretend this isn’t happening. But instead, I’m being a buffalo.”
For Southworth, she explains that being a buffalo means not avoiding feeling her feelings in her recurring grief journey.
“Buffaloes are the only animal that, when if there’s a storm looming, they’re walking toward it,” she says. “The reason why they do it is because they’re so smart, and they understand that if they walk directly towards it and not away from it, it’s actually the fastest path through it.”
In the caption, she wrote: “Here’s what I’ve learned about grief and trauma: the more you try and run, distract, and replace, the more it stays with you.”
Southworth says that every year in August, she struggles “a lot” around the anniversary of her mom’s passing from suicide.
“Every year comes back into my body the pain, the trauma—because your body remembers that stuff, and it feels suffocating and isolating,” she shares. “There are three things we want to do: run from it, distract from it, or try and replace it.”
However, grieving like a buffalo is about *not* doing that.
The origins of the buffalo grief analogy
The concept of grieving like a buffalo comes from grief expert David Kessler, who wrote about it in his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Kessler writes that he came across a documentary about buffalos in Montana titled Facing the Storm: Story of the American Bison, about the buffalos in Montana.
In it, Robert Thomson of the Montana Department of Fish, Wildlife and Parks explains how the buffalo instinctively go against what most humans do when facing literal (and figurative) storms.
“They don’t ignore it, run from it, or just hope it will go away, which is what we often do when we want to avoid our storms of emotion. We don’t realize that by doing this we’re maximizing our time in the pain,” writes Kessler. “The avoidance of grief will only prolong the pain of grief. Better to turn toward it and allow it to run its natural course, knowing that the pain will eventually pass, that one of these days we will find the love on the other side of pain.”
Therapists explain buffalo grief analogy
Dr. Jennifer Siegel, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist, tells Upworthy that although it may be insticutal to avoid things that bring us closer to emotional pain, it’s only a temporary solution.
“In the short term, avoidance can provide relief. But, if we don’t allow ourselves to experience grief at all, that avoidance can become reinforced,” explains Dr. Siegel.
However, running into a storm like buffalo doesn’t have to be done at a sprint.
“I’d encourage someone to use this idea more so as a means to make room for uncomfortable emotions and learn how to live alongside them, rather than getting rid of grief faster,” adds Dr. Siegel. “Walking towards the storm may also look differently for different people (i.e. looking at photographs, recounting stories, holding belongings, have a good cry).”
And psychotherapist John Sovec, MA, LMFT, tells Upworthy that grieving like a buffalo “encourages the individual to experience the full range of their grieving emotions including anger, heartache, reminiscing, and tears. This raw expression of emotion can be a tool to process these feelings and create space for release and deep processing.”
He adds that the grief process in not linear, but is more often experienced in waves. So being patient with the process and “allowing feelings to come without judgment can help.”
Sovec emphasizes that the grief process cannot be rushed.
“The length of the grief process is different for everyone. There is no predictable schedule for grief,” he shares. “It is important to be patient and experience the feelings, as well as one’s unique reactions to the loss. With time and support, things generally do get better.”
