Parents, teachers, and child caregivers are often aware of the gentle quirks young kids can display. They can become moody, rambunctious, and, at a certain age, they begin to tell fibs. "I only had one cookie, Mommy," a child might say as an empty Oreos package sits on the floor beside them.
But never fear! Child neurologist Arif Khan explains that parents shouldn't worry if a young child tells little white lies. In fact, it's incredibly common and even a sign of healthy cognitive development.
In a YouTube video entitled, "The REAL Reason Children Start Lying to Parents," Khan explains, "Children lie, not because they're bad or manipulative. Children lie because their brains are developing something new. Psychologists call it 'Theory of Mind.' It's the ability to understand that other people think differently than you do."
Dr. Arik Khan explains how lying in childhood can be a developmental milestone. www.youtube.com, Dr. Arif Khan
He goes on to explain that it's a huge mental leap for the brain in that they're learning that they can actually possibly change someone's mind. "It's a huge milestone. It means the child is starting to realize, 'Mom doesn't know what I'm thinking.' And once they realize that, they start to experiment."
Though admitting it might sound "sneaky," he says it can be an example of massive mental growth. "Because to lie…the brain needs to do three things:
- Remember what's real.
- Inhibit the truth.
- Predict what the other person might believe."
Khan cites a 2015 study from the University of Toronto that concluded "Children who start lying earlier actually score higher on measures of social and cognitive intelligence."
Of course, that doesn't mean that lying should be encouraged. Instead, simply note that it means the "brain is growing in complexity" and why this can be an excellent predictor of good social skills and even empathy later on in life.
Laura Todd, a licensed therapist who specializes in parental mental health and child development, spoke with Upworthy regarding the topic. "White lies are a healthy part of social and emotional development in children by demonstrating a child's understanding of social skills, empathy, and emotional intelligence. It is a way of showing that they are balancing the nuance of being honest and being kind."
The question then becomes, how should parents react? Todd gives specific examples on how to model a shame-free environment for their kid. "Have the child 'do over' by letting them try again, such as, 'That doesn't sound like the whole truth. Do you want to try again?'"
She adds, "Focus on the underlying feelings that might be the reason for the white lies, such as embarrassment, fear, or anxiety. Avoid interrogating or pressuring your child to be honest, as that may backfire and encourage further lying to save face. If necessary, seek professional help if the child is lying frequently, impulsively, and shows additional behaviors that the parents or teachers are concerned about."
Stephanie Pappas, LMFT, tells Upworthy that parenting approaches have changed in recent years. "Up until recently, a majority of the parenting approach to lying has been to blame, shame, and create distance between parent and child through time-outs or punishments. In reality, lying is trying to serve the opposite function by creating connection, empathy, and attachment. When your child lies, they aren’t trying to upset you or create distrust on purpose; they’re actually trying to stay close and connected to you by avoiding shame or embarrassment about what they did. When we reframe lying as a child’s brain trying to avoid shame and disconnection, parents can soften their approach to it."
Pappas echoes Khan's assessment that the act of lying for a young child is most definitely a milestone. "The ability to lie also requires a child to simultaneously know the truth and also create a new story, which is an incredible neurological feat in the prefrontal cortex of the brain."
A compilation of children telling white lies to their parents. www.youtube.com, Listed
She also gives practical suggestions. "Next time your child lies, instead of creating a close-ended question of 'Did you do this?' which can elicit shame or embarrassment, open the conversation up with curiosity and leadership, such as, 'It looks like you made a mistake. We all make mistakes, and what’s important is that we grow from them. I want to be able to talk with you truthfully. Can you walk me through what happened?'"
Or, she states, it's even helpful to even turn the interaction into a game. "Being playful and silly can also be effective with younger children, with saying something along the lines of, 'Wow! I love how you used your brain and imagination to come up with that. Can we keep going with the story? Maybe we can draw a picture! Then after, we can talk about what really happened and figure out a solution.'"