John Cusack in "Say Anything"
If you grew up anywhere near the 1980s, the image of Lloyd Dobler (as played by John Cusack) holding up a boombox is burned into your brain. But one Gen-Zer had never heard of the film, much less a boombox. When my pal Susan showed her son Noah the movie (released in theaters in 1989) his mouth was agape. "What is kickboxing?" he asked. "Why is he holding up those speakers? Who sings that SONG?"
Of course, Susan explained. "Kickboxing is the sport of the future. Those speakers are how we Gen X-ers transported music. And the song is In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel." Noah was overwhelmed with emotion. (That song will do it every time!) Susan says he talked about it for days and by the end of the week, he wanted to watch it again. This time he invited over friends (who are also juniors in his high school) and they all concurred: Lloyd Dobler and Diane Court are their "relationship goals."
John Cusack in "Say Anything"The iconic scene from 'Say Anything' (20th Century Fox)
It was the Lloyd character, especially, who resonated with Noah. "That's how we should all be treating people," he told his mom. When she asked for examples why, he had plenty to give.
Here are Noah's Lloyd Dobler-inspired takeaways on how to be chivalrous:
1) Keep your date safe.
In one memorable scene, after Lloyd gets Diane (played by actress Ione Skye) to agree to go to the graduation after- party with him, he kicks some broken glass out of her path to make sure Diane doesn't step in it. It's a simple gesture, but you can see Diane is visibly impressed. It might even be the exact moment she "falls" for him.
Noah shared with his mom, "That's an 'of course' moment. I'd do that for anyone, whether it was a first date or not!"
say anything inspiration GIFGiphy
2) Use music to express yourself.
In what is arguably one of the most iconic scenes in any film EVER, Lloyd stands outside of Diane's window holding his boombox. Song choice? In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. While some more cynical people might say Lloyd was being "pushy" in this moment, fresh-eyed Noah felt quite the opposite!
He gave it some thought. "I think I might use something by Harry Styles. And I wonder if iPhone speakers would be loud enough."
stan marsh love GIF by South Park Giphy
3) Help the heartbroken.
One of the most endearing qualities about Lloyd was his empathy toward his friends and family, especially the women in his life. Whether it was his sweet, albeit stressed-out sister (played by his real life sister Joan Cusack) or his close-knit circle of friends, he was always there to lend an ear or be a beacon of non-judgmental wisdom.
After Lloyd cried, "I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen," Noah wisely observed, "It was funny that his buddies were rapping at the Gas 'n' Sip, but it was his female friends who he really leaned on when he was sad."
And it's Lloyd who helps pick up the pieces for his friend Corey (played by Lily Taylor) when she develops an unmanageable push/pull crush on a guy named Joe. It's SO intense, she writes/performs a song called "Joe Lies." In turn, Corey has Joe's back. When she and two other friends ask, "If you're Diane Court, would you honestly fall for Lloyd?" The answer for everyone is a resounding "Yes."
Noah loved that scene. He said, "Real friends stay your friends, even when you write someone a cringe song. We've all been there!"
john cusack telephone booth GIFGiphy
4) Bet on yourself.
The thing about Lloyd Dobler is he knows exactly who he is. He's Good Guy personified and he never wavers from that.
As self actualized as he is, he equally knows who he doesn't want to be. This is made famous by the scene where Diane's father asks him what he wants to do for a living. "I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought or processed or repair anything sold, bought or processed."
Noah loved how much Lloyd believed in himself, sharing, "He never gives up on himself. He aims high and it pays off." He really connected to the scene when Diane asks "Nobody really thinks it will work, do they?" Lloyd, without missing a beat, answers "No. You just described every great success story."
John Cusack Utopia GIF by Amazon Prime VideoGiphy
A nasty note gets a strong response.
We've all seen it while cruising for spots in a busy parking lot: A person parks their whip in a disabled spot, then they walk out of their car and look totally fine. It's enough to make you want to vomit out of anger, especially because you've been driving around for what feels like a million years trying to find a parking spot.
You're obviously not going to confront them about it because that's all sorts of uncomfortable, so you think of a better, way less ballsy approach: leaving a passive aggressive note on their car's windshield.
Satisfied, you walk back to your car feeling proud of yourself for telling that liar off and even more satisfied as you walk the additional 100 steps to get to the store from your lame parking spot all the way at the back of the lot. But did you ever stop and wonder if you told off the wrong person?
What if that person on the receiving end of the note had a perfectly good explanation for why they're driving car with a disabled sticker and tag?
That's exactly what happened to Emma Doherty, who was surprised to see someone pen such vitriolic words to her in this letter she found on her car.
The language in the note is pretty harsh:
"You lazy conning b-tch. You did not have a disabled person with you! These spaces are reserved for people who need them!!!"
I get that avoiding conflict is something that's been trained into us, but maybe if whoever wrote this note decided to say something to Emma, this entire thing could've been cleared up entirely.
Instead, she had to take to Facebook to pick apart the anonymous grouch and explain her situation to the rest of us. And hopefully whoever wrote the note (if they see her post) understands why they were terribly wrong.
Emma is the mother of a terminally ill child, Bobby. Her ruthless and powerful message sheds light on the misconceptions associated with disabilities and helps to break the stigma that all impairments are visible, because they're not.
"To the person who put this on my car, which I had put my disabled badge fully on, I'm not angry at your pure ignorance, I'm actually upset with it. How dare you ever accuse anyone of not needing a disabled badge without knowing. I wish you had the balls to say this to my face and I would have told you (even tho I don't need to explain myself to the likes of you) but I'd have happily said why I have a badge."
"I promise to get the stigma away from people with disabled badges who don't "look disabled." I hope this gets shared and back to you and you will see my son is terminally ill, he's had over 15 operations, 3 open hearts, 2 stomach, lung and diaphragm and countless artery stenting operations and spent half his life on intensive care."
Emma Doherty and her son Bobby.
SOURCE: FACEBOOK
In her post, she delineates the severity of Bobby's illness, which has put the young man through multiple surgeries and procedures that are no walks in the park.
"He's had 2 strokes and was paralyzed, brain damaged and has a spine and hip condition as well as a massive heart condition. The reason I didn't get his wheelchair out was because I was running late because my son, who had a MRI scan, CTSCAN and a dye for heart function yesterday, only got discharged late and was back in this morning so carried him in."
"But for your information not everyone who holds a blue badge needs to have a wheelchair! I've told ... security and broke down, I've sat through things nobody should see but why did your note break me? Because it's your pure ignorance towards others. I'm a single mom trying my best to hold it together for my son who's in and out if hospital. NOT ALL DISABILITIES ARE VISIBLE and I hope you regret doing this and learn your lesson!”
Throughout her post, Emma simultaneously castigates the person and drives one important point home: Just because someone isn't in a wheelchair or crutches, doesn't mean they aren't disabled or in need of physical care or assistance.
I knew something would be said one day as every day I get looks and stares and see people whispering to each other about me and Bobby walking from the car. Everyone needs to stop and think before acting. I hardly ever let anything upset me but this did. How aggressive as well, and as for conning my son's disabled pass... [It] is not a con, he's actually seriously ill. I've added a picture of him to prove not everyone looks ill or disabled but can be seriously ill.
The mother clarifies at the end of the message that she's sure it wouldn't be a hospital staff member who wrote the message, because those who work in healthcare are well aware of the various reasons someone would have a disabled tag on their vehicle.
"I'd like to point out this has nothing to do with the hospital itself. They were lovely with me when I was upset and they treat us with every respect, always have [in our] 3 long years with them. They've saved my son's life many times. It [was] just somebody who was parked [there].”
Her post quickly went viral, with many people echoing her sentiments and thanking her for helping to clear up that tons of people suffer from different disabilities and that not all of them are so readily apparent.
SOURCE: FACEBOOK
And as it turns out, Emma isn't the only parent who's dealt with judgmental individuals who gave them flack for having a disabled sticker on their car. As if having to deal with a sick child isn't enough, they also have to suffer through getting guff from randos on the street over a measly parking spot.
SOURCE: FACEBOOK
Bobby's condition has left him without pulmonary artery function, which means that blood will not pump throughout his body. As you can imagine, walking long distances — or performing many physical tasks otherwise healthy individuals take for granted — are out of the question for the 3-year-old.
As a result of her son's condition, Emma has to take him to the hospital for treatments throughout the week, and seeing the note on her car while having to deal with that ultimately set her off. Thankfully, she used her anger to send a positive message.
Floored by the positive response to her message, Emma went back online to thank people for being so receptive and helping to spread awareness that disabilities come in many forms.
"My inbox is full of people who have told me they have been stared at or even spat at. This is a serious problem and I just want it to change. I am hoping by sharing what I went through people will start to think before acting."
This article first appeared five years ago.
Big smiles in class at kindergarten.
Every parent wants to see their kid get good grades in school. But now we know social success is just as important. From an early age, we're led to believe our grades and test scores are the key to everything — namely, going to college, getting a job, and finding that glittery path to lifelong happiness and prosperity.
It can be a little stressful. But a study showed that when children learn to interact effectively with their peers and control their emotions, it can have an enormous impact on how their adult lives take shape. And according to the study, kids should be spending more time on these skills in school.
Nope, it's not hippie nonsense. It's science.
Kindergarten teachers evaluated the kids with a portion of something called the Social Competence Scale by rating statements like "The child is good at understanding other's feelings" on a handy "Not at all/A little/Moderately well/Well/Very well" scale.
The research team used these responses to give each kid a "social competency score," which they then stored in what I assume was a manila folder somewhere for 19 years, or until each kid was 25. At that point, they gathered some basic information about the now-grown-ups and did some fancy statistical stuff to see whether their early social skills held any predictive value.
Here's what they found.
Meeting high expectations...
Billy Madison GIF from Giphy
Traditional thinking says that if a kid gets good grades and test scores, he or she must be really smart, right? After all, there is a proven correlation between having a better GPA in high school and making more money later in life.
But what that test score doesn't tell you is how many times a kid worked with a study partner to crack a tough problem, or went to the teacher for extra help, or resisted the urge to watch TV instead of preparing for a test.
The researchers behind this project wrote, "Success in school involves both social-emotional and cognitive skills, because social interactions, attention, and self-control affect readiness for learning."
That's a fancy way of saying that while some kids may just be flat-out brilliant, most of them need more than just smarts to succeed. Maybe it wouldn't hurt spending a little more time in school teaching kids about the social half of the equation.
Adam Sandler helps out a friend dealing with a stressful situations.
Billy Madison GIF from Giphy
We know we need to look beyond GPA and state-mandated testing to figure out which kids are on the right path. That's why the researchers zeroed in so heavily on that social competency score.
What they found probably isn't too surprising: Kids who related well to their peers, handled their emotions better, and were good at resolving problems went on to have more successful lives.
What's surprising is just how strong the correlation was.
An increase of a single point in social competency score showed a child would be 54% more likely to earn a high school diploma, twice as likely to graduate with a college degree, and 46% more likely to have a stable, full-time job at age 25.
The kids who were always stealing toys, breaking things, and having meltdowns? More likely to have run-ins with the law and substance abuse problems.
The study couldn't say for sure that strong or poor social skills directly cause any of these things. But we can say for sure that eating too much glue during arts and crafts definitely doesn't help.
Adam Sandler GIF of getting his groove on.
Billy Madison GIF from Giphy
The researchers called some of these pro-social behaviors like sharing and cooperating "malleable," or changeable.
Let's face it: Some kids are just never going to be rocket scientists. Turns out there are physical differences in our brains that make learning easier for some people than others. But settling disputes with peers? That's something kids (and adults) can always continue to improve on.
And guess what? For a lot of kids, these behaviors come from their parents. The more you're able to demonstrate positive social traits like warmth and empathy, the better off your kids will be.
So can we all agree to stop yelling at people when they take the parking spot we wanted?
But what does it all mean?
This study has definite limitations, which its researchers happily admit. While it did its best to control for as many environmental factors as possible, it ultimately leans pretty heavily on whether a teacher thought a kid was just "good" or "very good" at a given trait.
Still, the 19-year study paints a pretty clear picture: Pro-social behavior matters, even at a young age. And because it can be learned, it's a great "target for prevention or intervention efforts."
The bottom line? We need to do more than just teach kids information. We need to invest in teaching them how to relate to others and how to handle the things they're feeling inside.
Ignoring social skills in our curricula could have huge ramifications for our kids down the road.
This article originally appeared nine years ago.
