Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, an adjunct associate professor of psychology at Columbia University’s Barnard College, makes a powerful point in his new book, Rise Above. He believes that the difference between those who are happy and prosperous and those who are not is that one group has managed to “unlearn fear.”
The problem for most people is that learning and unlearning fear are two very separate processes. Learning to be afraid happens automatically in our brains after we have a traumatic or frightening experience. That’s why when we encounter something we are fearful of, we have an emotional and mental response that can be difficult to overcome.
However, unlearning fear is something we must do intentionally. “Fear is automatically learned. And fear must be actively unlearned: We have to choose a different way of living, and we can start by taking responsibility for the fact that unlearning fear—or any past patterns—can take a lot of inner work,” he said, according to CNBC.
Simply put, our brains constantly collect new fears without our control. But to unlearn those fears, we have to do so intentionally. That’s why countless people are unable to chase their dreams, take risks, and be vulnerable. They haven’t unlearned the unnecessary fears that their brains installed without their knowledge or permission.
For example, at some point in life, most of us acquire a fear of rejection. This prevents a lot of people from asking the boss for a raise, even when they deserve one. But those who have unlearned that fear can get past the barrier and ask for what they deserve. “Our default state is to have a sense of helplessness when we get overwhelmed,” Kaufman says.
Even though we didn’t choose our fears, Kaufman says they are still our responsibility to unlearn. “Sometimes we’re responsible for things not because they’re our fault, but because we’re the only ones who can change them,” he told Psychology Today.
How to “unlearn” fear
Kaufman says that we can unlearn fear by correctly talking about it to ourselves when we experience it. He says that in these situations we should ask ourselves “what” questions, instead of “why” questions. For example, let’s say your boss gave you extra work that you weren’t prepared for. “You can go from ‘Why am I feeling this?’ to ‘OK, what am I feeling?’ What would make me feel better?” Kaufman says. “Asking ‘what’ questions—‘What do I need right now, in this moment?’—these lead to a whole upward spiral of productive questions.”
Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich agrees. “’Why’ questions can draw us to our limitations. ‘What’ questions help us see our potential. ‘Why’ questions stir up negative emotions. ‘What’ questions keep us curious. ‘Why’ questions trap us in our past. ‘What’ questions help us create a better future.”
The difference between the two types of questions is huge. It’s the same as the difference between asking ourselves, “Why does this happen to me?” and “What can I do about it?”
It’s empowering to consider that the fears that hold us back in life weren’t our choice, so we don’t have to give them the power that they demand. A fear you acquired in the fifth grade may be the same thing holding you back from a raise. So, why not ask what you can do about it, push through, and watch it disappear while building a ladder to greater success and happiness?
