It’s the kind of social situation that makes a lot of people break out in a cold sweat. You walk into a room full of strangers and instantly feel nervous. How am I supposed to make any of these people like me? For decades, we’ve been told that we can “win friends and influence people” by being the most charismatic and commanding presence in the room. The true secret to connecting with people, however, may not be about putting on a show.
A new study published in the Journal of Psychological Science reveals that our social success hinges on leaning into two distinct types of behavior: communal and agentic.
Both have their distinct purposes. Knowing exactly when to use each of them, though, is the ultimate interpersonal life hack and key to making a good first impression.
The secret weapon for making genuine connections
The need to connect on a human level applies to a wide variety of situations. From wanting to attract a potential dating partner to building networking relationships in business, it’s our communal behaviors that help us engage with others—and keep us engaging. This includes knowing how to put people at ease by projecting warmth and empathy. It’s also the art of active listening, as opposed to just nodding and waiting for your turn to speak. Those who take the time to engage on a personal level and ask thoughtful follow-up questions demonstrate genuine care and interest. The result: your likeability factor skyrockets.
According to a recent analysis highlighted in Psychology Today, people who excel at these communal behaviors are the ones who most easily win over individuals they’ve just met. When you prioritize making the other person feel seen and heard, it creates a psychological safe zone. Your warm nature acts as an immediate spark for both attraction and trust.
Social media, on the other hand, can make people feel like they’re constantly fighting for clout or approval in the form of “likes.” It’s exclusionary—and often isolating. When you shine a light on someone else rather than focus on posting your own life experiences, you employ a refreshing communal-based tactic that really draws people in.
Agentic behaviors can command a room, but they won’t necessarily win you friends
On the flip side of the coin are agentic behaviors. Make no mistake, assertiveness and confidence have plenty of positive uses. Leading meetings, initiating conversations, getting things started—that all requires agentic behavior.
In the introduction phase, however, the classic “alpha” persona can turn a lot of people off. Research shows that while high agentic behavior can bring the spotlight to you, it rarely translates to deep, individual connection. People might admire your confidence or competence, but a big presence doesn’t always translate to intimacy. If you walk into a casual encounter with pure agentic energy, you risk coming across as intimidating or self-absorbed. Translation: your likeability factor can plummet.
Bringing balance to dueling behavioral forces
Making a great impression starts with self-realization and situational awareness, but the real “cheat code” to likeability is unlocked when you learn to toggle between communal and agentic behaviors. Need to pitch a project or lead a seminar? Dial up the assertiveness. Want to form a meaningful bond or ace a first date? Warmth and active listening create great connection opportunities.
By understanding the difference, you can stop guessing how you’re coming across and get out of your own head. Communal and agentic behaviors can be the perfect blend for building the deep, authentic relationships we all crave.
