It’s always hard to talk about death. Even thinking about it makes many of us uncomfortable at best, filled with dread and terror at worst. When we get the terrible news that someone we know—a loved one, a friend, a colleague, even an acquaintance—is dying, most of us are at a complete loss for words.
Viral video asks people with terminal illness how to talk about death
A recent Instagram Reel from ABC Australia asks people suffering from terminal conditions: “How to respond when someone is dying” and “What should people say when they hear the news?”
It’s a surprisingly thorny topic, and it’s easy for even the most empathetic and well-meaning people to go astray.
The most common flubs, according to the people who know
“Well, obviously, they just immediately say ‘I’m so sorry,’ you know, ‘How sad,’” one of the women being interviewed said. “And then I think they’re lost for words.”
From there, we begin to reach for something productive or supportive to say, all the while being overcome with emotion. It leads to some encounters that the dying don’t always find comforting.
Pity
“Pity is the thing you fear the most in people,” the woman said.
Empathy, sympathy, compassion, and pity are close cousins. They all have to do with “feeling bad” for someone, but to various degrees. Pity, of all of them, implies the most detachment and often makes the person receiving it feel inferior or somehow patronized. Pity projects tragedy on someone, and would sound something like “That’s horrible, you poor thing.”
Being overly distraught
It’s easy for anyone to forget: The person who’s dying may be dreading having to tell everyone and deal with the outpouring of sympathy.
“One of my biggest concerns was having to deal with all the people who are trying to offer solace and support but I end up offering support and solace to them,” one man said. “It becomes quite bloody taxing.”
“In many ways, I have to support the person I’m telling,” said another, “because they’re the ones that are finding out the information for the first time.”
While showing your emotions is human, becoming a blubbering mess for the other person to take care of is a little unfair.
Being too optimistic or touting miracle cures
“What they shouldn’t say is, ‘Oh, there’s this miracle cure they’ve just discovered if you go to Vietnam and have a vegan diet and drink, I don’t know, whatever,” the woman said. “As if you’re going to disrupt your entire life to try some method of curing this disease when you know perfectly well that if there was a cure for cancer, it would be on the front page of every newspaper in the world.”
“‘Have you prayed to God?’” mimed another man. “‘Have you tried insert alternative therapy medicine here?’”
What to say instead
Truly, there’s nothing you can say that will make someone’s looming death better, but in the moment that they tell you, there are ways to make the interaction supportive, loving, and positive for both parties.
Humor and normalcy
One man interviewed in the piece said that a little humor, even if it’s a bit crass, can be surprisingly refreshing. “There were a couple of friends where we basically just kick off each other, and they’re like, ‘Oh, get over it, it’s only a brain tumor, you’ll be fine.’ And actually those are the easiest phone calls.”
It’s actually OK, once the news is out, to talk about other things. Sports, movies, family. It’s uncomfortable for everyone to dwell on the morbid.
Ask and offer to help
If you’re a Take Charge kind of person, you may take the compassionate approach of wanting to make the person feel better. Instead of talking about a miracle drug you read about online, a better approach is to ask what you can do to make things easier for them.
An even better approach is to offer something specific: Can I bring dinner by Thursday? Do you need a ride to the doctor tomorrow? I’m going to the store, please let me know what I can pick up for you.
Saying nothing
Ultimately, another added that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing.
“They shouldn’t be obliged to say anything at all,” he said. Experts agree. Listening and offering a friendly ear is often more comforting than the most perfectly crafted words.
If you’re in a pinch, try this, per the Marie Curie charity: “I wish I knew what to say, but I’m here and I’ll continue to be here if you’d like me to be”.
Ultimately, no one will ever react perfectly to devastating news with the exact right mix of empathy, sympathy, and support when they hear tragic news.
And the people interviewed in the piece understand that.
“I interpret what they’re saying as ‘I really care about you and I’m hoping this can help.’ If you use that mindset, it makes all those sorts of things that otherwise might potentially be annoying suddenly become much more nice,” one of the men said.
One of the women summed it up even better:
“Maybe just think about being kind, that’s the most important thing.”
