shyness

Social anxiety and shyness can be crippling. However, one man who battled social anxiety and being shy opened up about how he overcame his shyness and social anxiety over two years.

The man, who goes by the username Educationalcurve6 on Reddit, explained in a post, "Two years ago, I couldn't order pizza over the phone without rehearsing it five times first. Going to parties gave me panic attacks. Making small talk felt like trying to speak a foreign language I'd never learned. Now I can start conversations with strangers, speak up in meetings, and actually enjoy social situations."

He detailed seven important steps he took to beat his shyness and social anxiety with hopes that others who struggle can feel more confident.

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Start stupidly small.
"Don't jump into deep conversations first. Start with 'thank you' to the cashier," he wrote. "Nod at people walking by. Say 'good morning' to your neighbor. Build the muscle slowly. It doesn't matter if its small talk just learn to get into the habit of talking."

Ask questions instead of trying to be interesting.
"'How's your day going?' 'What brings you here?' People love talking about themselves. You don't need to be funny or clever just genuinely curious. Plus it makes conversations longer," he shared.

Use the 3-second rule.
Another tool he used helped him with speaking. "When you want to say something but feel scared, count to 3 and force yourself to speak," he explained. "Don't give your brain time to talk you out of it. The longer you negotiate with your brain the harder it will feel like."

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Embrace being awkward.
Another big step he took: giving up on avoiding awkwardness. "I said weird stuff deliberately. I stumbled over words. I had uncomfortable silences," he wrote. "Guess what? People forgot about it in 5 minutes, but I remembered that I survived it. People move on."

Find your "social training ground."
"For me, it was the gym. Same people every day, low-stakes conversations," he added. "Find a place where you can practice regularly with the same group. Could also be in the library."

Stop apologizing for existing.
Ultimately, he started to value himself. "'Sorry, can I ask you something?' became 'Can I ask you something?' 'Sorry to bother you' became 'Excuse me'," he explained. "Stop starting conversations like you're inconveniencing people. It's not a mistake you were born. So stop being sorry all the time."

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Remember: Everyone's focused on themselves.
Finally, he reminded others that no one is paying as much attention as you may perceive. "That embarrassing thing you said? They're not thinking about it; they're worried about what they said," he shared. "Everyone's too busy being self-conscious to judge you as much as you think. That's why letting overthinking get the best of us never ends well."

He concluded his story with one last note of encouragement: "If you take nothing else from this just remember you don't overcome shyness by waiting until you feel confident. You build confidence by doing scary social things while feeling scared," he wrote.

What causes shyness?

Shyness is caused by a combination of nature and nurture.

"It’s not that it’s one or the other; it’s both [genes and environment] and they work together," Thalia Eley, professor of developmental behavioral genetics at Kings College London, told the BBC. “It's a dynamic system."

According to Eley, shyness is 30% caused by genetics while the remaining 70% is due to environmental factors. Specifically, shyness develops as a survival strategy.

“It was useful to have people in your group who were off out there exploring and engaging in new groups but it was also useful for people who were more risk averse, [were] more aware of threat and would do a better job protecting young offspring, for example,” Eley added.