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Modern Families

Grandparents should absolutely spoil their grandkids, but with a few important boundaries

1. Don't undermine your kids' parental authority.

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva/Pexels

Grandparent bonds should be nurtured with healthy boundaries.

People who become grandparents often say the experience is nearly as joyous as having their own kids. And in some ways, it's better. Grandparents get to have all the fun and delight of children without all the work. Many grandparents look forward to "spoiling" their grandkids with lots of love and affection, special outings and experiences, sweets and gifts and then handing them back to their parents for the actual parenting part.

Parents, too, often look forward to the kids spending time with their grandparents, not only to have a little break but to allow them to build relationships. However, there can be some habits some grandparents fall into that cause unnecessary tension in the family. It's not a bad thing to "spoil" a kid grandparent-style, but there are some healthy boundaries the grands need to keep in mind to maintain family unity and ensure that kids aren't literally being spoiled.

Every family dynamic is different and there are countless individual circumstances that play into what spoiling looks like, but here are three main boundaries that all grandparents should keep in mind as they love on their children's children:

1. Don't undermine parental authority

Parenting is hard, as every grandparent (theoretically) knows. Trying to raise individual kids with different personalities into healthy, happy, contributing adults while not losing your mind takes a lot of thought and effort. Rules are a part of that. Every set of parents creates rules based on their own beliefs about what's best; not everyone will always agree with them, but parents have the right to set rules.

Grandparents spoiling their grandkids might occasionally involve some slight rule-bending (two scoops of ice cream instead of one, for instance) but it should never entail blatantly going against a parent's authority. If a parent says their kid isn't allowed to watch something, don't let them watch it in the name of grandparent spoiling. If a parent requires a child to wear a helmet to ride their tricycle, that same rule needs to be enforced at Grandma and Grampa's. Inconsistency in rules, especially ones kids have been told are for their safety and well-being, can be confusing.

It might help to have an upfront discussion about what hard and fast rules parents have in place so that grandparents don't accidentally undermine them. And definitely don't do the "I know your parents don't let you do this, but I will" thing, telling them it's okay to break their parents' rules. Just smile wisely as you add some extra ice cream to their bowl.

2. Don't forget to say no sometimes.

One of the most fun parts of being a grandparent is having the freedom (and perhaps the means) to say yes a lot. But that doesn't mean you should always say yes to any requests your grandchildren make.

Kids actually do want some boundaries, no matter how much of a fuss they may make about them. Saying no sometimes lets your grandchildren know that you care enough about them to offer thoughtful limits and that you yourself have some boundaries they need to respect. It doesn't have to be a mean or grumpy "no," but it's good to not give every wish and desire a green light. Sometimes you simply have to say no because something isn't feasible, but even the occasional "No, Grandpa needs a break from that game" or "No, we've had too much sugar today already" sends the message that not every whim is worth indulging.

3. Don't compete with the other set of grandparents

It's not unusual for children to have grandparents on both of their parents' sides, especially when they're young. Unfortunately, in some families, a competitive dynamic can emerge in which one side strives to be the "favorite." This can lead to overdoing the spoiling as well as making kids feel like they're being pitted against one side of their family. It can also fuel resentment or jealousy among family members, which isn't fun for anyone.

There's no need to one-up the other grandparents by trying to be more fun or more generous or more indulgent. Just be the best version of a grandparent you can be, and encourage the kids to enjoy spending time with all of their elders while they're still around.

Being a grandparent is a privilege, and if you get to that stage you've earned the right to spoil your grandkids a bit. Just do so with these boundaries in mind so you can enjoy the joy and wonder of grandparenting with everyone's blessing.

From Your Site Articles

family

These postpartum rules for moms in the 1960s are going viral because they're ridiculous.

If you don’t believe the hospital experience for new mothers has changed that much in the last few decades, read through the mind-blowing instructions one institution issued every one of their postpartum patients.

“My mom was going through her things and we saw this, it's rules in regards to just having a baby,” Micala Gabrielle Henson wrote alongside the document which she posted on Facebook. The letter had been issued to her grandmother the day her mother was born.

“INSTRUCTION FOR MOTHERS,” the slightly yellowed document issued by Cabarrus Memorial Hospital in Concord, North Carolina reads.

Henson, who welcomed her first child, a little boy, just five months ago, says she was “so surprised and kind of in disbelief” when she read through some of the issued “routines” and instructions ordered by nursing service department, which claimed to be devised in order to “safeguard you and your baby.”

First off, forget about spending your hospital stay bonding with your new baby.

Instead, you can spend less than two hours a day viewing them from behind glass. “Babies are on display at Nursery window from 2:30 to 3:30 P.M. and 7:00 to 7:45 P.M. Please do not ask to see baby at any other time,” reads one of the rules.

And when it comes to actually nursing your baby, they get even stricter/more absurd. Another rule lists the hour increments (three hours apart) when “baby will come to mother for feeding.”

During the first 24 hours after the birth, a mother is only allowed to nurse her baby for five minutes, followed by “approximately 7 minutes” on the second and third days and 10 to 15 minutes the fourth and fifth. “If Baby Nurses Longer It May Cause The Nipple To Become Sore.” Because, um, a sore nipple is much worse than a hungry, screaming newborn.

Note that “No visitor is allowed on floor or in room during nursing periods, including father,” because god forbid someone else — especially the baby’s father — get a glimpse of that breastfeeding action. I mean, they might even see a (gasp!) boob.

Oh yeah, and while smoking in general isn’t discouraged, nurses lay down the law when it comes to lighting up. “Do not smoke while baby is in the room,” they instruct. Because back in the 1960s, smoking in the hospital was totally a thing.

The nurses also had some pretty strong orders about what foods new moms should absolutely not to eat.

They issued the list of forbidden foods in all caps, just to make sure everyone knew how seriously to take the restrictions. “DO NOT EAT CHOCOLATE CANDY, RAW APPLE, CABBAGE, NUTS, STRAWBERRIES, CHERRIES, ONIONS, OR GREEN COCOANUT [sic] CAKE,” they warn. But, perhaps brown coconut cake is okay? We may never know.

Commenters were as shocked as could be expected. Some wanted to know what green coconut cake is and why exactly it was blacklisted? Others couldn’t believe new mothers weren’t discouraged from smoking in general (“Ladies put your cigarettes down when you feed the baby,” joked Sydney Miller). However, a slew of mothers pointed out that they experienced similar restrictions — just twenty years ago!

“I would be barred from the hospital!” wrote Lisa O’Neil. “21 years ago I had my first baby and the rules were pretty ridiculous then also, my urge to mummy my daughter won me the right to be ignored by the midwives.”

While we’re all pretty blown away by the antiquated practices of 1968, as a new mom, Henson found the nursing rules to be particularly shocking — especially the suggested breastfeeding time increments.

“I absolutely could not believe that,” she says. “I guess I had never thought about how breastfeeding wasn’t always such a big thing. But wow, only breastfeeding my baby for five minutes?! Especially when he was a newborn?! My baby would be so upset!”

The letter has been shared thousands of times, and rightfully so. Every single person on the planet needs to read it, take a moment to absorb its ridiculousness and be reminded of how things have seriously changed for the better in the last 50 years — at least in regards to birthing a baby!

From Your Site Articles

Imagine you're cooking dinner while your kid plays on the floor in the kitchen.

You open the oven door to peek at the casserole inside. Hmm ... wonder how it's coming along.

You boldly extend your index finger, completely unprotected, and stick it into the dish. Warm, but not quite there.

As you withdraw your finger, you accidentally make momentary contact with the blazing-hot glass baking dish. SEARING PAIN. Your nerve endings fire emergency signals to your brain. Retreat! Retreat!

Then the words come out: "Ow! Shit!!"

You pull out and slam the oven door shut, immediately bringing your scorched finger to your mouth for some reason. You turn around, and your 4-year-old is laughing maniacally, parroting you:

"Shit! Shit! Shit!"

Congratulations. You have ruined your child.

Just kidding. Mom and blogger Constance Hall recently had a similar experience, and you know what? She says it's no big deal.

In a viral Facebook post, Hall writes that her young son, Arlo, "has been dropping a few bombs," after overhearing her.

"Does it bother me?" she wrote. "Not much, meanness would bother me more."

She explains: Her son is getting to an age where he's going to copy his friends, no matter what she teaches him. Better that he learns to surround himself with good people than to adhere to a rule like "Never curse!"

"But what we can do is teach them how to recognise qualities that we respect. Point out, 'how kind was Charley lending you his drink bottle?' And 'did you see how Sam helped out that younger kid?' 'I love the way Sophia is always making funny jokes.'

So while it's important to say 'don't swear it's not cool' it's equally important to teach your kids to strive to find friends with similar moral codes to your family.

That way when they do ignore you and run off with their mates, they are in good hands, maybe cheeky ones, maybe sweary ones, but good ones none the less.

Because our house hold might be a sweary one, but it's a bloody kind one and it's full to the brim with love."

You can read the full post below:

I swear, no shit right. I even sometimes swear in front of my kids. I justify it to myself be saying I only ever swear...
Posted by Constance Hall on Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Hall raises a great point and science agrees: Swearing isn't inherently bad.

Yelling out the F-word when you stub your toe doesn't teach your kids much of anything. However, if they see you abusively yelling "F*ck you!" at someone who cuts you off in traffic, that's a different story.

You could even replace swearing with plenty of other behaviors considered to be "bad." Does your kid like to sleep in a little too much? Have too much of a sweet tooth?

OK. Maybe those are things to work on. Maybe not.

But remember that one of the best things you can do as a parent is to raise your children to be kind to others and to themselves.

It's not the only thing that matters, but it helps put all the other "shit" into perspective.

rules

Grandparents should absolutely spoil their grandkids, but with a few important boundaries

1. Don't undermine your kids' parental authority.

1. Don't undermine parental authority

2. Don't forget to say no sometimes.

3. Don't compete with the other set of grandparents

These postpartum rules for moms in the 1960s are going viral because they're ridiculous.

If you don’t believe the hospital experience for new mothers has changed that much in the last few decades, read through the mind-blowing instructions one institution issued every one of their postpartum patients.

First off, forget about spending your hospital stay bonding with your new baby.

The nurses also had some pretty strong orders about what foods new moms should absolutely not to eat.

While we’re all pretty blown away by the antiquated practices of 1968, as a new mom, Henson found the nursing rules to be particularly shocking — especially the suggested breastfeeding time increments.

A mom is going viral for her thoughtful response to her kid using curse words.

Imagine you're cooking dinner while your kid plays on the floor in the kitchen.

Just kidding. Mom and blogger Constance Hall recently had a similar experience, and you know what? She says it's no big deal.

Hall raises a great point and science agrees: Swearing isn't inherently bad.

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