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Identity

People are sharing how they discovered their sexual orientation and every journey is unique

"I first realized that I liked men at the tender age of 12 while watching 'The Mummy' with Brendan Fraser for the first time."

via Cottonbro Studio/Pexels and Maharael Boutros/Pexels

Everyone's journey of self-discovery is different.

Discovering one's sexual orientation is a deeply personal journey that unfolds differently for everyone. Some people have a defining moment when they know what they’ll be into for the rest of their lives, and others go through life without much questioning.

Some people go for more of a trial-and-error approach where they come to an understanding over numerous experiences, while others view their sexuality as fluid and would rather live without any label.

What’s important to remember is that there's no "right" timeline or method for this self-discovery. What matters most is allowing oneself the time, space and love to grow and evolve organically. Everyone deserves the freedom to find their truth at their own pace.

A Reddit user by the name of Jacklawd asked the online forum, “How did you conclude that your sexual orientation is what it is?” It received nearly 5,000 responses from almost every sexual orientation imaginable. Many people's journeys also made them understand that they were asexual—meaning they weren't sexually attracted to other people.

The discussion was valuable for many because it gave them a free place to express their personal journeys in a public forum. After reading other people’s experiences, there were many who felt a lot less alone.

Here are 17 of the most interesting responses to the question: “How did you conclude that your sexual orientation is what it is?”

Bisexual

"I can't remember a time when I didn't feel attracted to both men and women. It never went away, never wavered. Figured by 25, that's pretty well set that I'm bisexual." — TinyTinasRabidOtter

"Saw a hot girl. Saw a hot guy. Thought 'yeah both is good.'" — HailYourSelf717

Lesbian

"I accepted that I like women pretty quickly, but it was far harder for me to accept that I DIDN’T like men. I don’t know why but apparently that’s pretty common with lesbians. Compulsory heterosexuality (look it up) is a bitch. But one memory I frequently go to as proof is my especially close relationship with my 'best friends' and literally using one of her shirts as a pillowcase, vis a vis Jenny by Studio Killers. Also, having sex with a woman for the first time and all my fears melting away once I got lost in the moment. I can’t fathom being intimate with a man without feelings of extreme anxiety and nausea (no offense gents, you’re all great!! This is a me problem, not you!)." — Hannah_of-Acero

"I dated men forever and thought all straight women were attracted to other women. And then I had sex with a woman and there was literally no doubt. The glaring neon sign was there, I just didn’t see it for what it was. Nobody in my life was surprised though lmaooooo I wanted to have a big dramatic 'coming out' moment and everyone was just like 'oh good you figured it out.'" — melxcham

"I like my best friend -> I like girls -> bi?? -> I've never been attracted to a man -> lesbian." — Environmental-Cap727

Queer

"The labels got too annoying, so I just went with Queer. I feel comfortable with it, and it's not like I owe anyone an explanation. Nobody really asks for specific labels these days." — Random_Person

Gay

"I’ve liked guys since I was like 3. When I was 14 briefly wondered if I might be gay. Realized I’d never liked a girl and liked many guys so decided it was very unlikely. When I was 20 realized straight people weren’t typically interested in or turned on by the thought of having sex with people of the same sex as them. Decided I like guys so much more than I would ever be interested in a girl that it really didn’t matter. The thought of dating a girl is also a complete turn-off for me." — Harakiri_238

"I'm gay and grew up in a small, Christian village. So being openly gay was not really an option. I first realized that I liked men at the tender age of 12 while watching 'The Mummy' with Brendan Fraser for the first time. Everyone was talking about Rachel Weisz and I was always thinking 'She's pretty but... Did you see that guy?!' Then things moved back into the shadow thanks to some religious brainwashing and witnessing how my best friend was sent away to one of these 'healing camps' for just mentioning that he thought he is gay when we were 16. So I bottled it up. Dated a couple of girls, later a woman. Never was really into any of them. And I'm still to this day really sorry that I wasted their time. I completely closed that chapter when I moved to a big city and was finally able to explore myself without the fear of the entire village finding out and talking. I was 24 and had finally a feeling of knowing who I am and where I belong." — OneMorePotion

Straight Women

"I never had that need to explore my sexuality I see a lot of people have because I have only ever felt attracted to men. I’ve had women come up to me, but I have never even felt curious, I just don’t feel attracted to them. I guess that makes me straight." — NenaBurguesa

"I just knew as a young girl that I really liked boys. I had two older sisters, and I loved it when they'd invite their boyfriends over! I would bother them and ask them questions." — I_Need_A_Better_Name

Straight Men

"Heterosexual 34M here. Contrary to a lot of heterosexual men, I'm not just saying 'well I'm straight, that's it' because you also do have to realize it at some point...I played basketball and practiced jiu-jitsu, saw a lot of beautiful, athletic men showering naked, and never was attracted to them. I had beautiful gay men hitting on me and didn't feel attracted (nor repulsed, just: that it's not for me, sorry). So I concluded I was straight." — Teebo_

"When I was a teen I questioned it because I thought that even thinking some men are attractive made you gay. But I later realized that I didn't want to be physical or romantic with men at all, I actually am kinda repulsed by the idea of naked guys, I simply liked they way they looked. Same way I look at a car or something else that is aesthetically pleasing. But with women, I want to experience them physically, emotionally and intimately. I want to be with a woman, I don't want to be with a man in any way. So that's when I understood I'm straight." — MembraneintheInzane

Asexual

"After well over 20 years of never having a crush on anyone, it starts to dawn on you that maybe you're the odd one out not feeling anything. For me, sex was always just this super distant thing that I never, ever thought about unless it was brought up externally. Masturbation was always an 'oh yeah people do that, right' kinda deal. Any sexual body part was always either completely unremarkable or outright ugly. That people really did imagine having sex with people was surprising to me. 'Wait, they're not just meming about a taboo subject because it's taboo? People actually think that way?' Porn never interested me, and I have zero desire to look at it when I can instead be watching a documentary on Dave Stieb. Yeah, at some point it becomes hard to ignore that you're different.

"While I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by being asexual and being in a position where I never want to try sex, I definitely do feel like I'm missing out by (possibly) being aromantic. I can appreciate a well-written romance (note: most are not for infuriating pacing reasons alone), and it does feel like it's something I'm missing even if I've never felt it. While I can think of someone as 'pretty' or 'cute,' words like 'hot' and 'sexy' have no intuitive and intrinsic meaning to them. I can give you a dictionary definition, and I can tell you how other people use them, but I don't actually feel it." — 47Robin

"Fellow ace here. I really thought that people were kind of arbitrarily deciding who they liked. I really didn’t understand that you actually had some feelings for someone. I only thought it was kinda judging the appearance of someone. And it was just crazy when people started to like each other at like 13-15. I just faked that whole thing. I remember when learning about sex ed, in my own thoughts, I was like why do we need to know this? Nobody is having kids. Might as well learn about colonizing Mars or the Moon as well. I really thought everybody was like that and just lied about finding people sexy and the like. I can understand someone being pretty, but it’s the exact same feeling when seeing a sunset, art, or listening to great music or seeing a great movie." — Craigularperson

Aromantic-Asexual (AroAce)

"Never developed a crush, never felt drawn to anyone sexually, and even as I grew older was repulsed by the idea of having sex. I heard the term 'aroace', researched its meaning, and the label just fit. I am aroace. I can love people platonically, but I do not feel sexual or romantic attraction/love." —

Pansexual

"I fell in love with a man who transitioned. After I'd come to terms with 'losing' my lover, I realized that I still loved her just as much as I'd ever loved him, and that was that my pansexual orientation was born." — Fluffy_Fox_Kit

No Need for a Label

"If you're asking for insight to better understand others who are different from you, I think you've gotten plenty of great responses already. However, if you're looking for info relating to your own definition of sexuality, then I want to STRONGLY impress upon you that there isn't actually any need to define yourself with labels. Society is really obsessed with putting people into categories to better understand them. You don't have to do that. It's totally fine (and I feel really healthy) to just experience life as it comes. My mom is 65+, has 3 previous hetero marriages, and has recently found a girlfriend. It doesn't mean she's been gay the whole time. It doesn't mean she's straight and acting out. She's just in love, and that's great." — IronFlower

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sexuality

3 ways 'Deadpool' perfectly sums up Hollywood's LGBTQ problem.

Like many people, I fell head over heels in love with "Deadpool" last year.

The film, based on the Marvel comic, raked in over $700 million worldwide, making it the second-highest-grossing R-rated film ever made. Executives raced to get a sequel into production to feed America's unquenchable thirst for more Ryan Reynolds in a tight red suit (yes, please). "Deadpool 2" is slated for summer 2018.

A year and some odd months after "Deadpool's" release, GLAAD's Studio Responsibility Index (SRI)— the group's annual study on how lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and other queer characters are depicted in film — landed in my inbox. "Deadpool" was one of the 125 films the study analyzed, and for my beloved superhero flick, the results weren't great.

Don't get me wrong; I still love the movie. But GLAAD's findings demonstrate just how problematic the superhero flick — and so many of our other Hollywood faves — really can be.

So buckle up, fellow "Deadpool" fans — this may not be easy to read.

GIF via "Deadpool."

1. For starters, Deadpool is pansexual. But you wouldn't know it from the movie.

In the Marvel universe, Deadpool was created as pansexual — meaning he's interested in all genders and orientations. When director Tim Miller confirmed before the movie's release that Deadpool's sexuality would stay true to its origins, many fans rejoiced — this would be the first big-budget superhero flick with an openly queer lead.

Then the film came out, and fans watched as Deadpool ... didn't.

GIF via "Deadpool."

In a press release, GLAAD pointed to "Deadpool" as an example of a film that "still [requires] the audience to have read press coverage or have outside knowledge" of a character's sexual orientation or gender identity because their queerness won't be identifiable in the film. (Honestly, I saw far more homoerotic behavior at frat parties in college than I did in "Deadpool.")

As a gay man, I want to support movies that show characters with stories like mine on screen, and it's frustrating when there's buzz surrounding an LBGTQ character in an upcoming film, only to have their on-screen queerness reduced to a suggestive sentence or ambiguous same-sex interaction (looking at you, new "Power Rangers" movie). Why can't openly queer characters actually be openly queer in their films?

2. "Deadpool" fails the Vito Russo Test — big time.

The Vito Russo Test — inspired by the feminist Bechdel Test and named after GLAAD co-founder Vito Russo — is a set of basic criteria to examine how LGBTQ characters and films are portrayed on screen.

To pass the test, the film must: 1. contain an LGBTQ character who is identifiably queer who is 2. intricately woven into the plot in a meaningful way and 3. not solely defined by their sexual orientation or gender identity.

"Deadpool" fails on the test's first, basic requirement: Reynolds' character, although technically pansexual, wasn't identifiably queer.

If you didn't know he was pansexual before seeing the film, would you have guessed he's not a straight, cisgender character? Probably not.

GIF via "Deadpool."

Sadly, "Deadpool" isn't the rare exception among LGBTQ films. Of the 23 movies in the study that featured queer characters in 2016, only nine of them passed the Vito Russo Test, according to GLAAD.

3. Deadpool is a big jokester. And while that's great for laughs, the jokes in the movie were not always great for the LGBTQ community.

And I say that as a gay man who thought "Deadpool" was hilarious.

As GLAAD wrote in its report:

"While director Tim Miller told press ahead of the film’s release that Deadpool was pansexual, the only references that made it to screen were played for comedic effect in throwaway jokes intended to emphasize just how outrageous the character is rather than any real sense of desire."

GIF via "Deadpool."

This isn't uncommon in films featuring LGBTQ characters, according to GLAAD's report. Often, queer characters and their identities are soley included as fodder for cheap jokes.

I truly hate being a buzzkill. But those throwaway jokes in "Deadpool" really do have an effect. As GLAAD continued:

"The portrayal of a pansexual identity as a brazen or scandalous trait, rather than a lived identity, has real consequences for bisexual+ people. Because their identities are often misunderstood, bisexual+ people are less likely to be out to family and friends than gay and lesbian people."

Pansexuality is an identity — not a punchline.

I write all of this not to rain all over "Deadpool's" parade, but in hopes that the sequel — and all of Hollywood, really — will do better next time.

Maybe "Deadpool 2" will include a queer main character of color; as the report noted, we need a whole lot more of those. Maybe that character will be a complex, fully realized woman, who doesn't fall into the tired tropes queer women often do on screen; as the report also noted, we desperately need more of those, too.

Or maybe — just maybe — Deadpool will find himself a man.

“I certainly wouldn’t be the guy standing in the way of that,” Reynolds responded in February 2016 to the prospect of Deadpool having a boyfriend. “That would be great.”

In more ways than one, yes it would, Ryan.

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The upcoming Marvel comic movie will feature Deadpool as a pansexual superhero.

Ryan Reynolds' next big movie role as Deadpool will have everything you expect from an action-packed Marvel superhero movie ... and maybe a little bit more.

Sure, it's got fighting, explosions, villains...

GIF via 20th Century Fox/YouTube .

...and some laughs (yanno, to keep things light).

Screenshot via 20th Century Fox/YouTube.

But Reynolds' character will also stay true to the comic book original. This dark-humored hero is pansexual and will remain so on the big screen.

Director Tim Miller isn't being shy about that at all. In an interview with Collider, he exclaimed: "Pansexual! I want that quoted. Pansexual Deadpool."

GIF via "Anchorman."

And if you just said, "pan ... who?" here's the deal:

Pansexuality has nothing to do with sexual attraction to your kitchen cookery. (Though who hasn't felt thingswhen they look at some Creuset? Just me? Okaynevermind.)

Pansexual is a term used to describe people whose attractions are not limited by the gender identity or sex of other people.

As Deadpool comic co-creator Fabian Nicieza says: "Deadpool is whatever sexual inclination his brain tells him he is in that moment."

Rapper Angel Haze also gave a great explainer during a Fusion TV interview:

"I define it as someone who sees people for who they are and not gender. I don't base all of my relationships off of sex. ... I care about connecting with people on a deeper level and actually having something to talk about and something to work for — something we're both interested in."

Rapper Angel Haze, right, with ex-girlfriend, model Ireland Baldwin. Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images.

Having an openly pansexual superhero is a big freakin' deal: It provides some serious visibility for people who are attracted to more than one gender.

Most people in the LGBTQ community are attracted to more than one gender — almost half — but that fact is often overlooked. There's a lot of societal pressure for folks to check a box, as though the only options were "gay" or "straight."

Having characters like Deadpool out there can help folks realize that they're not alone.

Here's hoping this will be the first of many more pansexual superheroes.

I think these folks are up to the task. OK, I lied; I have no idea. But let's pretend. Photo by Mark Ralston/AFP/Getty Images.

Word has itthat this movie will be a bit more ... racy than most. Apparently, Deadpool is really into sex. So, yeah, it's important to note that being pansexual doesn't somehow make someone hypersexual. I hope that as we start seeing more pansexual characters make it to mainstream, we'll also see more of a range in sexual desires, since they vary from person to person ... just like with straight people! (Shocker, I know.)

Need something to watch while we wait for more sexually-fluid movie characters to make it to the big screen? Check out the trailer for our trailblazing superhero:

pansexual

People are sharing how they discovered their sexual orientation and every journey is unique