Michelle Yeoh discusses overcoming the 'huge sadness' felt by not being able to have kids
A refreshing and poignant perspective on a topic not many talk about—but so many can relate to.
"You come to a point where you have to stop blaming you."
Anyone that’s tried and failed to become pregnant could tell you that there’s a definitive mourning period that comes with an infertility journey—one that can and often involves guilt at not being able to conceive. Even if a woman logically understands that this was purely something out of her control (cue feelings of powerlessness), the pressures of societal and familial expectations alone are enough for her to start blaming herself.
But, as with all forms of grief, time offers fresh perspective.
Recently, actress Michelle Yeoh opened up about her own infertility struggles, and the difficult feelings that arose as a result. Her candid and vulnerable words are making so many women who have had similar experiences feel seen—not to mention hopeful.
In two separate interview—one with BBC’s Woman’s Hour and the other with The Times—the Oscar winner revealed that she had always wanted to start a family. It was a dream shared by her first husband Sir Dickson Poon. Yeoh had even retired from her budding acting career in order to make this dream a reality.
And yet, that dream would go on unrealized, even after trying a fertility treatment.
"And I think the worst moment to go through is every month you feel like such a failure," she told BBC.
Poon wanting kids and Yeoh not being able to get pregnant eventually became the major factor leading to their amicable divorce. While Yeoh commended the “bravery” they had to make such a hard decision, she still told the Times that it remains the “biggest sadness” in her life.
But, even while holding onto that sadness, Yeoh committed to giving other aspects of her life her “ 110 percent,” which she said enabled her to live without regrets. And no one would argue that, with a highly successful career spanning over three decades and an Oscar at 62, she didn’t give it her all.
Plus, Yeoh has been able to appreciate the “beauty” of her six godchildren (one of them being Poon’s daughter), her many nephews and nieces, and even a baby grandchild from her stepson. Yeoh had recently remarried to Jean Todt after a 19-year engagement. So plenty of blessings still to be had.
"I did everything to make it work, and sometimes even that is not enough, you have to be able..." she said while apparently raising her arms with her fists balled. "In life we say, you have to not go around holding your hands like this, you have to learn to let go, and sometimes letting go helps you move forward."
As for feelings of guilt, she told the BBC, “I think at some point you stop blaming yourself. I go, there are certain things in your body that don't function in a certain way. That's how it is.
"You just have to let go and move on. And I think you come to a point where you have to stop blaming you."
This last point struck a major chord with other women who’ve had similar challenges.
“Thank you for this interview. I think because society pushes us to try harder, do more, and look on the bright side of things, we learn not to have compassion for ourselves on the things we have no control over. ❤️”
“As someone who wanted children, but ended up not getting them.. it is just beautiful to hear the words from someone else's mouth. I always admired Michelle Yeoh and this just amplifies the love I feel for her ❤️”
“It is so refreshing, and so necessary, to hear this topic being spoken about with such honesty and clarity 👏👏 Permanent childlessness is, for many, such a huge thing to face either as a couple or solo, and yet remains a largely hidden experience. It definitely needs to be talked about more and it is wonderful to see the conversations beginning to appear in places like this, with brilliant people like this 😍”
“You're not a failure because you were not able to have children❤️ I had to have a hysterectomy at 32 and even though it caused me, I had to accept that not everyone gets to be a mom. Now I have love for everyone in my life to share❤️”
“Thank you Michelle for sharing your story. This is my story almost exactly. I’m 57 and the pain still shows up in me sometimes.”
Hopefully any other woman going through this kind of challenge finds this today and remembers to give themselves a little self compassion.
