husbands and wives

Is there one person in your household who makes most of the domestic decisions and then delegates tasks to a support member? If so, then you’re probably familiar with the “nag paradox,” even if you’ve never heard it explained that way.

More often than not, in heterosexual relationships, wives carry the domestic mental load and the husband is a support member taking orders. Eventually, this dynamic can become toxic when the wife has to tell the husband repeatedly to do a task, or it isn’t accomplished to her liking.

This can leave the wife feeling rejected and vulnerable. It can also make the husband feel criticized, so he gets defensive and calls his wife a nag.

Laura Danger, a mother of two in Chicago, Illinois, is a licensed educator, certified coach, and content creator who counsels couples on emotional labor and explains the origins of this problem.

"Women are more likely to have grown up facing the pressure to perform household tasks than men," she told Upworthy. "There's a lot of cultural messaging about how women are naturally better at managing the household. The creep of imbalance isn't always an active or malicious choice. Household inequity is the norm in our society, and we've been taught that list-making and taking direction is the way to solve it, rather than collaborating."

She recently released a video that perfectly explains this paradox and how it affects partners differently.

What is the Nag Paradox?youtu.be

"The nag paradox is that very tricky and very common household dynamic where one person manages more of the mental load and is making more of the decisions around the logistics of the household," Danger explains. "And the other person is playing a support role, or is in a position of taking directions, or only giving periodic feedback."

She continues to say that the nag paradox is a “trap” because the person in charge of the decision-making process is attempting to connect with their partner, who may get defensive from being told what to do or critiqued for their performance. “The idea of nagging is that somebody’s upset about something that doesn’t matter. Domestic labor matters. Connecting with your partner matters. You’re not a nag for wanting partnership,” she says in the video.

She adds that a big problem with the nag paradox is that it can easily lead to two dangerous behaviors, “criticism” and “defensiveness,” known by influential psychologist John Gottman as the 2 of the Four Horsemen, or behaviors that can lead to the end of a relationship.

“It’s a setup for both people because, after a while, you don’t want to be vulnerable,” Danger continues. “You don’t want to open yourself up to that feeling of ‘I can’t do anything right’ … and the other person is saying, ‘I feel like I’m constantly being rejected.’”

So, how do couples overcome the paradox? On her blog, Danger says it’s all about taking time to connect and both partners understanding that domestic labor is a serious issue.

“Meet weekly and use this time to set standards, trade tasks and take your household seriously,” Danger wrote. “The resentment of one person managing more of the mental load, making more decisions and being put into the position of delegating, making decisions and giving guidance can be solved by doing the opposite! Work together. Be open and curious! You’re partners! Clear communication and some preventative care.”

She shared an instance where a couple she worked with broke the cycle by working together and communicating clearly.

"One couple I worked with had one partner who had a high-stress job that kept them away from home for long hours, and the other stayed home with their two kids. The breadwinner felt helpless when they came home and tried to help because it never felt like it was enough," she told Upworthy. "The stay-at-home parent felt alone in decision-making and felt like they were pestering their spouse. They broke the cycle by deciding a few tasks that the breadwinner's spouse could jump in and handle without feedback and agreed on expectations. Then, the stay-at-home parent stepped back and trusted the other to do what they committed to."

"They created a list of favorite meals, shopped for the kids' clothes online and planned their annual trip together," she continued. "Finding opportunities to make decisions together as a team and getting clear on expectations limited the frequency of one telling the other what to do. They would never get to an equal split, but their resentment broke down when they traded the nag paradox for collaboration."

Smoothing over resentment and building a relationship where both partners work together can be challenging, but Danger tells Today.com that it’s worth the effort.

"If you're already emotionally or mentally exhausted, it can feel like too big a battle to wage,” she said. “But it is worth it! If you want to have a relationship that's better or more balanced in the long run, it's worth doing."