People married for 40 years or more share their relationship advice for lasting marriages.
The 40th wedding anniversary is called the "ruby anniversary," and making it to this milestone is a rare feat. According to Bowling State University in 2018, while 41% of marriages in the United States make it to their 25th ('silver') wedding anniversary, only 8% make it to their 50th ('golden') wedding anniversary. So, couples that have remained together 40 years have a lot of marriage advice to offer.
At 40 years, you've seen just about everything a relationship can offer, and you've gotten to know your partner in a way that no one else ever will. You've seen the good times, you've seen the bad times, you've been through sickness and health. You've probably raised a few kids and dealt with every problem that can happen in a home.
In a Reddit subforum older people sharing life advice, member u/OneTwoThreeFoolFive posed the question: "Elderly who have been *happily* married for more than 4 decades, what tips can you give to people who haven't married yet?"
Couples with long, successful marriages joyfully shared their helpful marriage advice with others. These are insightful marriage tips from 20 couples who have been married 40 years or more.
Marriage advice from those who've been married 40-plus years
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"Listening to your partner means thinking about what your partner is saying, not thinking about what you're going to say in response." —Odd_Bodkin
"Do not marry someone that you are planning on changing. Marry someone who you can live with their less than ideal qualities." —tmaenadw
"Respect, patience, marry someone who makes you laugh because life is silly." — lmb3456
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"My favorite quote, 'True love is when both people think that they are the lucky one'…. Going strong since 87." — glamourgal1
"Ok, so I’m close at 38 years, so here goes. Respect your partner. Every single day. Wake up and tell yourself you love them. Every single day. Thank them every single time they do something you appreciate, like making coffee you share, or taking out the garbage. My hubby thanks me every single time I do the laundry. Every single time. It makes me feel valued and really helped get me through when the kids were small and there was a lot of laundry. Plus, Date Night. It’s really the planning and looking forward to it, not the glitzy or glamorousness of the date itself. Try to talk to each other about yourselves and not the kids for just that couple hours together. Make lots of plans for short trips either as a couple or with the kids. We were poor and our vacations were camping. Our girls loved it because they got their dad to themselves as he wasn’t working on a house project… He taught them how to pack the car, set up the tent, build a FIRE! All fun stuff for kids. Plus, fishing, hiking, and whatever else they could dream up together."— bookishlibrarym
"Take a deep breath, walk , then try to forget what stupid thing your spouse just said or did. It’s worked for some 40 years now and very happily married."— Front-Barracuda-9303
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"Don't get married to keep from being alone or for financial stability. Wait until the right one. If you marry for money, you will pay. If you marry from loneliness, the worst kind of loneliness is being lonely in a marriage." —Ok-Resist7858
"Laugh together, but never at each other. Create a safe landing for difficult times; they will happen. Be ready to help them get through and don’t add to the difficulties. Be sympathetic and learn the cues when needed. This is for both the good and the bad times. It’s not always about you, let them have their time and they will let you have yours. Help them shine. This is a partnership that includes finances, parenting, death & illness of loved ones and working both inside and outside the home. Find what motivates them (and you) and agree to not agree when needed. When you love, admire, respect, and cherish your spouse, let them know. This doesn’t happen overnight; it’s a constant work in progress. The returns on these investments will last a lifetime. (Married for 46 years and counting, at ages 16F & 19M)." — Its-Two-Latte
"Do not rush into it." — Mrs_Gracie2001
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"A laugh and a hug is helpful to calm the crazy. We are both 66, have had a long-lived infatuation with each other from the beginning and got married at 17 . I know, infatuations are supposed to be short-lived but the passion is as strong now as it was at 17. We still love being together but the times when one is crazy can be a challenge. And focus on living within your means as money worries can be seriously problematic." — jhoover58
"Best advice was from a man who had been married 60 years. Someone asked him the secret of a lasting marriage, and he said 'Well, I’ll tell you…Ignore them when they’re stupid'." — mishymc
Married as teenagers and still married 57 years later. I was lucky to find someone at a young age who was a mature, loyal, even-tempered, hard-working, and intelligent. Life is long and it can be hard, so you need someone you can rely on ... and who can rely on you. We have always had similar goals and were willing to sacrifice and work to achieve them. Working together like that is actually very enjoyable." — Bay_de_Noc
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"From a very practical perspective, the three biggest stressors on a marriage are finances, children, and division of labor. If a couple isn’t on the same page, it builds resentment: he won’t save/she won’t have fun, she lets the kids go wild/he’s too strict, he won’t help/she’s a nag. My advice is to marry someone who shares the same values. Despite Hallmark movie themes, opposites don’t do well in the long run." —Silly-Resist8306
"A few tips: Remember, your spouse is always well-intentioned. Know that marriage is hard and work through the rough patches. Vacation apart occasionally. It gets better with every year. Learn each other's love languages and respect them." —Critical_Dig799
"Have each other's backs. You are your own family unit now. Think of it as concentric circles. You and your partner are the inner circle, your parents etc the next circle. Too many people struggle to understand this and prioritize their parents over their partner. You get to make your own holiday traditions, you both get to combine your family traditions to make your own and that's OK. Make sure you agree on the basics before you get married, like really deep down agree on the basics of children, money, religion, politics. Also make sure you can talk about sex with each other before you get married. That you feel safe being able to articulate your needs and boundaries and that your partner will try to meet them, maybe not perfectly at first but will make the effort until you both figure it out together. This also applies to life outside the bedroom." — wwaxwork
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"50 years this year. We are so lucky. Learn to fight fair. Pull your punches. Always remember you love this person and you don’t want to knock them to the ground. No bringing up old conflicts into the argument. Let old things go and stay in the present. Keep perspective. Will it matter in 5 years? Some issues are worth a big fight. Some are not worth a tiny fight. We had some really stupid fights and laugh about it today." —curiousinbiguniverse
"Take a real close look at the family you are marrying into. The longer you’re married, the more they are involved in your life like it or not. You’ll end taking care of aging parents, loser brother or sister, nieces, nephews." —Outdoor-Snacker
"Don't waste a lot of money on a big wedding. Watch the issue of Adam Ruins Everything about marriage and weddings. Treat your partner with respect and as you would like to be treated. 49 years and going strong for us. The payoff is the golden years with lots of funny stories and inside jokes and good companionship." —joekerr9999
"So many things. For men: learn to communicate the way she understands (I have found women will hardly ever understand how we communicate). For both: Forgive the little flaws. Do special things for each other regularly. Be willing to give space. Don't use the D word unless you're serious. Don't put your children ahead of your marriage. Don't speak in anger. Accept that you two are different and have different styles. Say 'I love you' daily. Give compliments. Have sex regularly (Don't use it as a weapon)." —JWR-Giraffe-5268
"Most of what's been said so far. I'd like to add sleep naked and close. Still after 52 years married." — j00e420
A happily married couple.
A happily married couple.