child abuse experts

Warning: The following article discusses child sexual abuse and may be upsetting to some readers.

Every parent wants their child to feel protected from any type of danger that may come their way. However, Lexi Koster, a Child Life Specialist and Certified Clinical Trauma Specialist with expertise in childhood sexual assault (CSA), says that parents should be careful how they talk about protecting their children from sexual abusers.

Koster believes that parents should refrain from telling their children that if they are touched inappropriately, they will take action against them, whether it means physical harm or getting the law involved. That doesn’t mean the parents shouldn't take appropriate action if something were to occur, but they shouldn’t talk about any potential punishment or retribution around their child.

“Kids will believe you when you say things like ‘If anybody ever touches your private parts, I will make sure something bad happens to them’ or ‘You will never see them again,’” she explains in a video on TikTok with over 190,000 views. “This is a big problem because kids are most often sexually abused by people they know and love, like family members.

“So if they think that you’re going to hurt this person, or send them away so that they never see them again, this might scare them into not disclosing to you and enduring this abuse for a very long time,” Koster continues. “Instead, if kids ask what will happen to this person, you can say ‘I’ll make sure they get the help they need from trusted professionals, but what happens to them is not your responsibility and it is not your fault.”

A young girl playing with a paper doll.via Canva/Photos

Koster’s advice is based on one of the most disturbing facts about child abuse: often, the abuser is someone the family knows and trusts. According to Darkness to Light, an organization dedicated to ending child sexual abuse, more than 90% of abusers are people that children know, love, and trust. Thirty to forty percent of abusers are family members, and 50% are someone outside of the family that the child knows and trusts. Eighty-five percent of child abuse victims never report their abuse, and a big reason is that they are afraid of harming their abuser.

“This is why I get so frustrated when I see people fantasize about hurting (or worse) abusers. I get the emotional reaction, trust me, as a victim, I know, but these actions and rhetoric only make it harder for victims to feel able to come forward,” one of the TikTok commenters wrote. “This is the exact reason I never told my family. I was terrified of the consequences,” another added. “Double this with: Abusers often threaten their victims with the same line of things if not worse if they 'tell', and it's an absolute riptide current situation,” a commenter wrote.

A soccer coach working with his team.via Canva/Photos

What are some signs that someone may be a child abuser?

The disturbing things about child abusers is that they, more often than not, are someone the child and family know well. So, how can we identify if someone is an abuser before something terrible happens? Koster says there are five red flags parents should look out for.

Five red flags that someone may be a child abuser

1. Insisting on alone time

“First, is creating opportunities for or insisting on having alone time with a child. I've heard countless stories from parents about tutors, piano teachers, even grandparents getting defensive when the parents suggests that another adult should be present to monitor the activities. That is a huge red flag.”

2. Boundary pushing and manipulation

“This might look like a person insisting on babysitting your child because you really look like you need a break, or subtly testing boundaries like making inappropriate comments or jokes about or in front of children.”

3. Too-good-to-be-true complex

“They are available for absolutely any issue, day or night, for your family may sometimes even show up and offer this support unprovoked."

4. Downplaying or deflecting concerns

"Fourth is exhibiting behaviors where they're exerting some sort of control over a child. This might look like encouraging secrecy, which is a big no no, or engaging in excessive physical contact while ignoring a child's discomfort. They might do this in order to make you feel guilty for bringing it up in the first place, and may even use their status or favors that they've done for the child and family to quickly shut down concerns.”

5. Defensiveness

“Anytime someone gets defensive or makes you feel stupid for insisting that they practice body safety rules with your child, red flag, no good. My best advice to you is to trust your gut. If someone feels off or too good to be true, they probably are.”