The decision to have, or not have, children is complex and deeply personal. There are countless factors to consider, including finances, lifestyle, and your individual values.
Many people who’ve weighed all the options find themselves pretty certain they don’t want to have children. But one stubborn societal myth sticks in their craw and gives some of them pause: the idea that people without children will inevitably die alone.
It’s dark, heavy, and a little difficult to think about. It also happens to be completely false—at least, according to someone who works with death up close every single day.
Viral post resurfaces
“For two decades I have been a professional who works with older adults. People in their 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, even over 100,” Noble reads from the post.
The original poster, a senior living and hospice care worker, wrote about how narcissistic parents who are estranged from their children are often alone in their dying days. But the post also piqued the curiosity—and fears—of the childfree community.
“Multiple times in this post, child free adults have expressed their fear that this is their future: dying alone because they have no children,” Noble reads. “Speaking from two decades of caring for older adults, I have worked with many child free adults who spent the final years, months, and days of their life surrounded by a loving and caring community. … Having a loving community around you who cares about you is more important than whether you have kids or not.”
“I’ve served many child free people who were doted on by a number of significant people in their life,” Noble continues. “They received excellent care and had devoted advocates. They were doing better than folks down the hall who did have children, 5 or 6 kids even. I promise.”
“No one way to live a happy and fulfilled life”
The post’s message is both a powerful myth-buster and a source of comfort for many.
Contrary to popular belief, most people who choose not to have children of their own free will do not come to regret it later in life.
“The takeaway from all this isn’t that having kids is good or bad–it’s that there is no one way to live a happy and fulfilled life,” The Guardian‘s Arwa Mahdawi writes of these research findings. “Parenthood isn’t for everyone and it should always be a choice.”
“Cold regret”
People without children are more likely to experience what Noble calls a fleeting feeling of “cold regret.”
“They might sometimes fantasise about how their life would have turned out if they’d had children, and the special moments they’re missing out on – while still knowing they made the right choice for themselves and their life,” she writes.
Some may be sure of their decision but still have a gnawing fear in the back of their minds about their final days. More commonly, “you’ll die alone” is used as a threat or warning to childfree people about remorse that rarely comes.
Commenters weigh in
The social media post received nearly one million views, and Noble runs a large community of childfree adults who were eager to weigh in.
“I am a death doula and hospice volunteer and have seen first hand that having children does NOT guarantee having people around when you die. The absolute most important thing is the community that someone has built around them. … Family relationships are a bit more complicated and fraught with complex issues that don’t always guarantee presence.”
“I am a hospice nurse and I second this 100%! Some people I’ve cared for that didn’t have children had a more loving and supportive group of people around them toward end of life than people with kids. Community and friendship matters.”
The message even resonated with parents—a reminder that a lifelong, loving relationship with our children is far from guaranteed if we’re not willing to put in the effort.
“Beautifully said. I do have children, and I still couldn’t agree more with your sentiments. It’s all about investing in your relationships and your community. Sadly, many people are disconnected from their own children.. due to not investing in a relationship with them.”
Crucially, a tight-knit, loving community that will show up for you in your final days is not something people—childfree or otherwise—stumble into. It has to be intentionally built over time.
“The difference is not whether you have children. The difference is whether you have a community of people who care about you and will show up for you,” Noble reads from the Reddit post. “The way to build this community is to show up for them, consistently, for the next few years and as long as you are able. Invest in people and relationships. Grow bonds of companionship and trust. It doesn’t matter who; only that you like and trust each other.”
It’s good advice for anyone who may be afraid of dying alone, whether you have no children or a whole gaggle of them. It’s also the kind of reassuring embrace some people need to make the decision they know in their hearts is right for them.
