If you ask a group of people what qualities they admire in a person, authenticity will often top the list. We tend to like people who know who they are and aren’t afraid to share it. We like people who are their truest selves.
But there seems to be some confusion about what authenticity—or being authentic, or one’s truest self—actually means. According to neuropsychologist Theo Tsaousides, authenticity is often conflated with honesty, consistency, or “being real,” but that’s not what it is.
Confusing authenticity with impulsivity
Saying or doing whatever comes into our heads might be described as being “real” or “honest.” A person who shares an unnecessary, unkind criticism might say, “I’m just being real.” Someone who says the first thing that comes to mind without considering how it comes across might say, “I’m just being honest.” But does that mean we’re being authentic—especially if we don’t use any kind of conscious filter before expressing ourselves?
The kind of realness and honesty that often gets conflated with authenticity is really just impulsivity. When people share their raw thoughts or feelings without any conscious intention, they aren’t necessarily being authentic. They’re being impulsive in a way that may not actually reflect their true selves. And when impulsive rudeness, cruelty, or offensiveness gets excused as “authenticity,” the meaning of the term gets lost.
Refining our definition of authenticity
Being your true, authentic self doesn’t mean acting on whatever comes to mind in the moment. Here’s how Tsaousides defines authenticity:
“Authenticity is acting in accordance with one’s true self, and being authentic means behaving in congruence with one’s values, beliefs, motives, and personality dispositions.”
As Tsaousides explains, what our “true self” means is up for debate. But if we use his definition of authenticity, being authentic can’t simply mean letting our current thoughts and feelings burst out, motivated by whatever’s happening in the moment. It also means aligning our words and actions with our deeply held values and beliefs. If those things don’t align, can we really say we’re being authentic?
For instance, if I value patience and believe in being patient with other people’s mistakes, losing my cool with my kid or a coworker in a moment of frustration isn’t really my authentic self. I may be expressing a real feeling in the moment, but my truest self isn’t what’s showing up. Who we are in any given moment isn’t necessarily reflective of our authentic selves—of who we are at our core.
Using authenticity as an excuse for bad behavior
It seems that the modern push for authenticity sometimes excuses behavior that is anything but authentic. We all have initial thoughts, feelings, and urges that may or may not reflect our true selves. And while it may feel authentic in the moment to express them, doing so without conscious thought—or without filtering them through our values and beliefs—doesn’t make us genuine.
As psychology professor Michael F. Steger writes for Greater Good:
“Authenticity does not sit alone in isolation. It is not a blanket encouragement for people to uncork the inner urges that society, politeness, or human decency suggest we keep bottled up. Authenticity is accessing and enacting our true self, but it also is the way we test, refine, and improve our true self as members of cooperative groups.”
The way I see it, authenticity is not the instant expression of every impulse we have, but rather the conscious processing of our thoughts and actions through the filter of our values and beliefs.
Authenticity as a path of growth in which we hone our truest self
Of course, few, if any, of us are always successful at being our truest selves—and hopefully, those selves are always growing and evolving. Who we are may also differ depending on where we are and who we’re with. Different relationships can reveal different parts of us. Certain circumstances may challenge our values and beliefs, so what authenticity looks like in a given moment may not always be clear.
Tsaousides says authenticity doesn’t require consistency. How we show up can vary considerably. That doesn’t automatically mean we’re being inauthentic. Trying too hard may come across as inauthentic, but authenticity does require some effort to align our outward expressions with who we’re striving to be internally. Without that effort, we’re simply expressing momentary impulses. That may be “real,” but it’s not authentic.
Humans are complicated, and none of this is cut and dried. But examining and refining our definition of authenticity feels important when it’s a trait so many of us value in ourselves and others.
