A Dad Gets A Standing Ovation For What He Says To Boys Who Want To Date His Daughter. Well Played.

DISCLOSURE: I have a daughter. Someday, she will grow up and become a young woman and probably want to date people. There's this awful lizard part of my brain that gets protective of her and imagines threatening others who might date her someday, 13 years from now. And while I get protective of my son too, I think differently about each. It's totally a hypocritical and ridiculous double standard. Because if you raise your kids right, they'll make mistakes but they'll be responsible and make good choices (hopefully). Their gender is irrelevant to that. So I want to acknowledge that I'm aware of my rampant hypocrisy. I'm a dad. I'm a jackass. I'm learning how to fight it and hold myself to a higher standard.

Which brings me to Jesse Parent, a dad who says all the things that probably every parent has dealt with. At 1:50, he disables his lizard brain. And at 2:42, he makes up for his first two minutes. Hilariously.

SATIRE WARNING: This contains satire. And satire.

JUST FYI: He is totally joking in this. He is in no way advocating violence. He's making fun of his own hypocrisy. As he wrote in our comments: "This is satire. It's cartoonish from the top. There is truth to that trope, and I am protective of my daughter, but to actually be like this would be a little crazy (granted, I lifted the tone from my dad... ) My daughter is tough and loving and wants to save the world. We talk... A LOT. And she has to decide when she is ready to offer her heart, same with my sons."

If you'd like to see more of Jesse's work, you might want to Like him on Facebook. Or buy one of his awesome books. And then maybe share this to encourage him to do more?

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To the boys who may one day date my daughter: I have been waiting for you. Since before her birth, since before my spark took hold and ignited the fire in her mother's belly, I have been training to kill you. When you took your first steps, I was preparing to make it so you never walked again. When you played at war I was perfecting my headshots. You can't catch up at this point. And when you first meet my daughter and fall in love with the look she sends over her shoulder, her crescent moon eyes framing her laughing smile, you are going to want to talk to her. And when those hours pass by like sprinters during that first timeless conversation you will also know, with a deep and impending sense of dread, that you are going to have to talk to me. When you first come to my home and see the bone carving over my threshold, try not to imagine your own femurs so expertly carved. Pay no attention to my ample crawlspace, my room with the rubber mat and drain. Be careful only to approach me with love for my daughter. See, I have been seeding her childhood with tap root hugs to weed out indifference and apathy. There will be no daddy issues for your teenaged talons to latch upon. If you break her heart, I will hear it snap with the ear I pressed against her mother's belly. The elbow I cradled her head in will send a message to my fist. My cheeks are attuned to her lips, I will know if they tremble. I have taught her that a man should never hit a woman. Now, her mother would add that you really shouldn't ever hit anybody, but I have taught her that a man should NEVER HIT A WOMAN! Consider my genes a mark of Cain, you will suffer seven times whatever you do to her. And she will not keep your secret, you can't make fire feel afraid. I have been teaching her love all of her life, and all that I ask is that you continue the lesson. Love her, befriend her, protect her. Be there when I can't. And when my body gives up to the grave let the grin that eternity carves into my face be a reflection of the peace that your love brings to her, and we should get along just fine. ADDENDUM To the girls who may one day date my daughter: My wife is a better shot than I am.
There may be small errors in this transcript.

By Jesse Parent, self-aware dad, on Button Poetry. Thumbnail image via Thinkstock.

Apr 28, 2014

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