The art of the mature break-up: Best and worst practices for ending a relationship

Every romantic relationship starts with hope and promise, but the reality is most relationships don't work out in the long run. Breaking up is hard to do, no matter who you are or how long you've been with a partner, but there are better and worse ways to go about letting someone go.

If a relationship ends dramatically because of some kind of abuse or betrayal, that's one thing. Ending things because they're just not working out or you're just not feeling it is another. And in some ways, the latter is harder because you probably genuinely care about the person and don't have the extreme negative emotions of the former situation to help you make a clean break.

Breaking up is rarely easy, but there are methods that make it harder.Photo credit: Canva

On the flip side, being dumped really sucks. But how you get dumped can have a huge impact on your life, from the pain you carry to the way you see yourself to your readiness to take a chance on love again.

A video from The School of Life shares some best and worst practices for breaking up with someone and it's something everyone should learn. It begins with a profoundly true statement.

"The intensity and suffering exacted by a heartbreak depends not only on the core fact that we’ve been left. It also decisively depends on how we’ve been left. Our hurt can be hugely intensified when we’ve been left badly, just as it may be rendered a great deal more bearable when we are fortunate enough to have landed on a lover who has learned the psychologically-rich art of mature break-ups."

What does that "psychologically-rich art" entail? It might help to start with what it shouldn't entail. Here are four things that make a break-up harder than it needs to be:

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1. Lingering

Life is too short to stay in a relationship that isn't working and you're not doing your soon-to-be-ex any favors by waiting to end it. "As soon as the decision is taken, a courageous lover will not dither out of a misplaced desire not to upset pre-existing plans," the video states. "They know they must leave. They are ruining things, of course, but they can see that the holiday or restaurant meal would in any case be doomed – and they are kind enough to know not to waste any more of our precious time." Don't wait and don't linger.

2. Collateral Accusations

"A wise departing lover knows not to accuse the other of more sins than they are guilty of," the video continues. That means keeping the voicing of your partner's faults narrowed down to what's necessary for the break-up and nothing more. Listing everything wrong with the other person or blaming them for your discontent in other areas of life isn't necessary. They're already going to feel bad; no need to pile on.

Don't be overly nice, but don't give them a list of all their faults, either. Photo credit: Canva

3. Deceptive Niceness

It's hard for nice people who don't want to hurt others to break up with a partner, but being too nice isn't actually kind, it's confusing. "The most harmful lovers are those who labor under a misplaced impression that they need to be nice, even when they are firing us," says the video. "But there is, in fact, no need for honeyed words. We simply require the basic information and then some privacy to put ourselves back together again."

4. Evasiveness

Ever seen a person suddenly start displaying unhealthy behaviors in a relationship—drinking too much, neglecting their partner, speaking strangely about relationships—because they actually want out? "Clumsy lovers are so scared of the news they have to share with us, they can't bear to come out with – and therefore let it seep out in odd, symptomatic ways," the video states. The goal is to get the other person to break it off rather than initiating it themselves. Not cool.

Evading your partner by becoming someone they don't want to be with is not the way to end things.Photo credit: Canva

Those are some things to avoid when breaking up with someone. On the other hand, here are some do's to balance out the don'ts.

1. Directness

"Kind departing lovers make a sharp break," the video declares. "Once they’ve decided, they move swiftly to letting us know." There's no lingering. No hints or hopes of reconciliation. It probably feels brutal in the moment, but in the long run, the direct approach is the kindest.

2. Reasons

Without dragging out every complaint about the other person, it's important to give them solid reasons you're ending the relationship. This can be done without directly blaming them, such as explaining ways that your personalities don't make a good fit for a long-term partnership or how you have divergent values that aren't conducive to a peaceful future. Just don't leave them wondering why you left.

There are ways to break up with someone that makes things easier for them in the long run.Photo credit: Canva

3. Self-honesty

"Nice departing lovers let us see and actively remind us of what’s not so nice or good about them," the video explains. "They admit that they brought a lot of difficult things into the relationship." Maybe you admit to the person that you're too focused on work and didn't put enough energy into the relationship. Maybe you tend to be controlling or dismissive. Let the person know that life with you wasn't going to be ideal so they can look forward to something better.

4. Being hated

"Good departing lovers know that the news they are breaking will, inevitably, lead to them being hated for a time," the video says. "They are brave in the face of this. They don’t suffer from the fateful and sentimental desire to be loved by people they no longer love." You have to be okay with being hated by a person you probably like and care for. That's not easy, but eventually it will help the person separate out the pain of being dumped from the pain of being dumped badly or in a way that leaves a lot of ambiguity and unresolved feelings.

Your ex might hate you for a while. Photo credit: Canva

As the video concludes, "We may not be able to escape the agony of broken hearts but we can always strive to keep it to a very basic minimum."

People in the comments shared their breakup experiences that illustrate the importance of breaking up thoughtfully:

"I remember being so angry and hateful towards my ex, but honestly, watching this video shows me that she handled it really well. She invited me over, gave it to me straight, told me she cares about me as a person, and said we shouldn't contact each other ever again except in case of emergency. At the time it seemed extremely cold hearted and I was immensely bitter towards her (esp. cuz I wasn't expecting it) but looking back she handled it so much better than most people would (ghosting, cheating, 'it's your fault!!!' etc). We're still in no contact, but if I could, I'd at least thank her for being a good person about it. I took it EXTREMELY BADLY at the time lmao but now I know I was kind of a baby. lol."

Time really does heal a lot of pain.Giphy GIF by Bounce

"I wish I had understood this fifty years ago. All the heartbreak and pain I could have saved by simply having courage, and choosing not to be a coward, to call myself liar for my "kind" evasions. What a good and humane lesson!"

"My ex dumped me in the most respectful way possible, and basically did everything in this video. She was my first serious girlfriend, the first person I said 'I love you' to. The pain is still there, however I feel no hate, I am just grateful to have experienced such a lovely time with her when the relationship worked. I learned my lessons. I really hope she is doing well, however I told her I wanted no contact at all... to help me move on. I have never felt such an ambiguous feeling before."

"My partner broke up with me out of the blue(he had not once expressed that he wasn't happy). He let me think he was coming over to surprise me, as we live far away from each other. But when I opened the door he said it. I didn't think it would, but it gave me issues with my mental health. My psychologist says I have suffered some type of 'shock-trauma' - the shock of a trauma happening when I thought something joyful was about to happen had fucked up my brain. It quite literally was in alert-mode which caused night terrors etc. several months following the breakup, even though I was fine emotionally! Please think very carefully about how you handle another person's heart."

"I thought I was at least a kind person in break-ups... damn the truth hurts. I really struggle maintaining my position in break-ups, when the person you love most is in pain and you can fix it by not leaving. I hope I can be stronger in the future for them. I’ve so much to learn. Thank you."

Hopefully these tips will help save some broken hearts from prolonged pain.