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I have compassion for everyone struggling with depression — except me.

mental health, depression, family, community
Image created from Pixabay.

According to the World Health Organization, 5% of adults suffer depression.

My earliest memories of stifling depression go back to the age of 7.

By stifling, I mean the kind of clinical depression that courses through your veins, colors every thought, and places such a metaphorical weight on you that you feel unable to move in both literal and figurative ways.

Depression is a disease of inaction, of paralysis. At least, that's how it manifests for me.

It's a part of myself I have hated, a part of myself I've hidden and combatted — with drugs, with sex, with working too much, talking too much, taking on more and more … and I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Because the more I do, the more I can hide the depression that's lurking beneath it all.

When it comes to other people who are struggling with mental health issues, I am empathetic; I am patient and compassionate.

But when it comes to my own depression, I am none of those things. I am the opposite — impatient, angry, intolerant.

Getting a handle on my depression took a long damn time. Today, I am on the proper medication; I have tools and knowledge that I didn't have even 10 years ago. Because of that, I have this unrealistic expectation that it's solved, and when my depression crops up despite all my armor, I feel confused, angry, and anxious — but most of all, disappointed in myself.

I recognize intellectually that it's unreasonable to hold myself accountable for brain chemistry that I hardly understand, let alone control. But I do. I feel responsible for it.

I also recognize that making yourself culpable for something you have no control over is cruel.

If I had survived cancer and the cancer came back, would I blame myself? If I'm honest, I might. Which is so messed up.

Part of my (admittedly dysfunctional) coping mechanism is control. If I control the situation, the emotion, or the circumstance, then I won't hurt. If I take drugs to mask the emotional pain, I'm in control. If I cheat to prevent the heartache of being left or cheated on (because, of course, I'm unlovable), I'm in control. If I work, work, work, and push and don't stop, I won't have time for the anxiety.

It's all a lie. Because my need to control puts me out of control.

One of my biggest life lessons that has come up time and again for me is compassion for self.

And it's a lesson that I am learning over and over. Because I am stubborn. Because my expectations for myself are ridiculous.

I have written and spoken a lot about the Reiki healing I have done for the past 18 months. My Reiki healer has repeated this message to me during nearly every visit or conversation we've had: "You don't have to be Superwoman. Show yourself some compassion."

What stops me?

In my work as an advice columnist and general advice giver to my friends, I have said so many times that the most significant form of self-care is to say "This is how I feel." And I'm pretty good at doing that — except when it comes to saying "I feel depressed." Why?

Because when I say this, I feel like I have failed. I know that's not a fact, but it is what I feel.

I still have moments and sometimes days that I think about suicide.

Even with all I have in my life. Even with all the love around me. Even with how very much I have to be grateful for. And when it crops up, I hate myself for it. Because you don't have a right to feel this way. Because you have so much. Because you are a mother. Because you beat this thing.

If I were speaking to someone else who felt this way, I would say, "It's OK. You can be 100% grateful for your life and still feel depressed. Depression is not a choice. Depression is a chronic mental illness, and it doesn't make you bad or broken or selfish."

And still, I struggle to believe that for myself.

But I am working on it.

With Reiki and with meditation, I am doing active work — cognitive behavioral stuff — to rewire those brain pathways. I am making decisions to consciously, continuously handle my depression, and I remind myself repeatedly that it's a marathon, not a sprint.

My default for so many years was to jump to one crystalized thought: I want to kill myself. Today, I am working on a new one: I want to have compassion for myself, even when I'm depressed.

And it's working.

This article originally appeared on Ravishly and is printed here with permission. More from Ravishly:


    From Your Site Articles
    Pop Culture

    Parents who grew up in the '70s and '80s remember the experiences that blow their kids' minds

    Kids were tougher then for a reason.

    via Wikimedia Commons

    Island School Class, circa 1970s.

    Parents, do you think your child would be able to survive if they were transported back to the '70s or '80s? Could they live at a time before the digital revolution put a huge chunk of our lives online?

    These days, everyone has a phone in their pocket, but before then, if you were in public and needed to call someone, you used a pay phone. Can you remember the last time you stuck 50 cents into one and grabbed the grubby handset?

    According to the U.S. Federal Communications Commission, roughly 100,000 pay phones remain in the U.S., down from 2 million in 1999.

    Do you think a 10-year-old kid would have any idea how to use a payphone in 2022? Would they be able to use a Thomas Guide map to find out how to get somewhere? If they stepped into a time warp and wound up in 1975, could they throw a Led Zeppelin album on the record player at a party?

    Another big difference between now and life in the '70s and '80s has been public attitudes toward smoking cigarettes. In 1965, 42.4% of Americans smoked and now, it’s just 12.5%. This sea change in public opinion about smoking means there are fewer places where smoking is deemed acceptable.

    But in the early '80s, you could smoke on a bus, on a plane, in a movie theater, in restaurants, in the classroom and even in hospitals. How would a child of today react if their third grade teacher lit up a heater in the middle of math class?

    Dan Wuori, senior director of early learning at the Hunt Institute, tweeted that his high school had a smoking area “for the kids.” He then asked his followers to share “something you experienced as a kid that would blow your children’s minds.”


    A lot of folks responded with stories of how ubiquitous smoking was when they were in school. While others explained that life was perilous for a kid, whether it was the school playground equipment or questionable car seats.

    Here are a few responses that’ll show today’s kids just how crazy life used to be in the '70s and '80s.

    First of all, let’s talk about smoking.

    Want to call someone? Need to get picked up from baseball practice? You can’t text mom or dad, you’ll have to grab a quarter and use a pay phone.

    People had little regard for their kids’ safety or health.

    You could buy a soda in school.

    Things were a lot different before the internet.

    Remember pen pals?

    A lot of people bemoan the fact that the children of today aren’t as tough as they were a few decades back. But that’s probably because the parents of today are better attuned to their kids’ needs so they don't have to cheat death to make it through the day.

    But just imagine how easy parenting would be if all you had to do was throw your kids a bag of Doritos and a Coke for lunch and you never worried about strapping them into a car seat?


    This article originally appeared on 06.08.22

    From Your Site Articles
    parenting
    Pop Culture

    Michael B. Jordan runs into his middle-school bully on the red carpet and calls her out

    He didn't forget.

    via Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

    Michael B. Jordan speaking at the 2017 San Diego Comic Con International, for "Black Panther", at the San Diego Convention Center in San Diego, California.

    As long as humans have endeavored to do anything great, there have been those who have tried to take them down. These are the opposite of the creators in life: the bullies, haters and naysayers who only want to bring people down to their level.

    But when you have a dream and desire, its easy to tune out the voices of negativity. "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better,” Theodore Roosevelt once said. “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena."

    Some folks use the naysayers as fuel to push them to work even harder. Basketball legend Michael Jordan was infamous for letting his thirst for revenge drive him to even greater heights on the court.

    Another Michael Jordan, "Black Panther" star, Michael B. Jordan, came face to face with someone who doubted that he could reach his dreams, and he wasn’t shy about letting her know that he remembered. What's Upworthy about the encounter is that he did so with class and confidence.

    In 2023, Jordan was on the red carpet for the premiere of "Creed III," a film he starred in and directed. He was interviewed by “The Morning Hustle” radio show host Lore’l, who had recently admitted on the “Undressing Room” podcast that she used to make fun of him in school.

    “You know what’s so crazy? I went to school with Michael B. Jordan at a point in life,” Lore’l said. “And to be honest with you, we teased him all the damn time because his name was Michael Jordan. Let’s start there, and he was no Michael Jordan.”

    “He also would come to school with a headshot,” she added. “We lived in Newark. That’s the hood. We would make fun of him like, ‘What you gonna do with your stupid headshot?’ And now look at him!”

    In addition, her co-host, Eva Marcille, referred to Jordan as “corny.”

    Jordan had no problem discussing their past on the red carpet. “We go way back, all the way back to Chad Science [Academy] in Newark,” Lore’l told the actor. Oh yeah, I was the corny kid, right?” Jordan responded with a smirk.

    “No, you did not hear me say that! I said we used to make fun of the name,” Lore’l said.

    “I heard it,” Jordan said. “I heard it. It’s all good. What’s up?” he responded. “But yeah, [you are] obviously killing things out here…you’re not corny anymore,” Lore’l clarified.

    After the exchange went viral, Lore’l admitted that she teased Jordan in school, but they were only classmates for one year.

    “So the narrative that I bullied him all throughout high school—this was 7th grade. We were like 12 years old, and everyone made fun of each other,” Lore’l said. “That was school, you know. That was one year. And, again, I’ve never bullied him. That just sounds so outrageous to me.”

    Jordan later shared some advice on how to deal with bullies.

    "Just stay focused, just stay locked in,” he told a reporter from Complex. “You know, just follow your heart, try to block out the noise and distractions as much as possible and run your race. Don't compare yourself to anybody else. Just keep going."

    From Your Site Articles
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    Joy

    Sorry, Labradors. After 31 years, America has a new favorite dog.

    The American Kennel Club has crowned a new favorite.

    via Pixabay

    A sad-looking Labrador Retriever

    The sweet-faced, loveable Labrador Retriever is no longer America’s favorite dog breed. The breed best known for having a heart of gold has been replaced by the smaller, more urban-friendly French Bulldog.

    According to the American Kennel Club, for the past 31 years, the Labrador Retriever was America’s favorite dog, but it was eclipsed in 2022 by the Frenchie. The rankings are based on nearly 716,500 dogs newly registered in 2022, of which about 1 in 7 were Frenchies. Around 108,000 French Bulldogs were recorded in the U.S. in 2022, surpassing Labrador Retrievers by over 21,000.

    The French Bulldog’s popularity has grown exponentially over the past decade. They were the #14 most popular breed in 2012, and since then, registrations have gone up 1,000%, bringing them to the top of the breed popularity rankings.

    The AKC says that the American Hairless Terrier, Gordon Setter, Italian Greyhound and Anatolian Shepherd Dog also grew in popularity between 2021 and 2022.

    The French Bulldog was famous among America’s upper class around the turn of the 20th century but then fell out of favor. Their resurgence is partly based on several celebrities who have gone public with their Frenchie love. Leonardo DiCaprio, Megan Thee Stallion, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, Reese Witherspoon and Lady Gaga all own French Bulldogs.

    The breed earned a lot of attention as show dogs last year when a Frenchie named Winston took second place at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show and first in the National Dog Show.

    The breed made national news in early 2021 when Gaga’s dog walker was shot in the chest while walking two of her Frenchies in a dog heist. He recovered from his injuries, and the dogs were later returned.

    They’ve also become popular because of their unique look and personalities.

    “They’re comical, friendly, loving little dogs,” French Bull Dog Club of America spokesperson Patty Sosa told the AP. She said they are city-friendly with modest grooming needs and “they offer a lot in a small package.”

    They are also popular with people who live in apartments. According to the AKC, Frenchies don’t bark much and do not require a lot of outdoor exercise.

    The French Bulldog stands out among other breeds because it looks like a miniature bulldog but has large, expressive bat-like ears that are its trademark feature. However, their popularity isn’t without controversy. “French bulldogs can be a polarizing topic,” veterinarian Dr. Carrie Stefaniak told the AP.

    american kennel club, french bulldog, most popular dog

    An adorable French Bulldog

    via Pixabay

    French Bulldogs have been bred to have abnormally large heads, which means that large litters usually need to be delivered by C-section, an expensive procedure that can be dangerous for the mother. They are also prone to multiple health problems, including skin, ear, and eye infections. Their flat face means they often suffer from respiratory problems and heat intolerance.

    Frenchies are also more prone to spine deformations and nerve pain as they age.

    Here are the AKC’s top ten most popular dog breeds for 2022.

    1 French Bulldogs

    2 Labrador Retrievers

    3 Golden Retrievers

    4 German Shepherd Dogs

    5 Poodles

    6 Bulldogs

    7 Rottweilers

    8 Beagles

    9 Dachshunds

    10 German Shorthaired Pointers


    This article originally appeared on 03.17.23

    From Your Site Articles
    dogs
    Parenting

    Mom creates a stir after refusing to drop her child off at a parent free birthday party

    "I loved drop off parties. I didn't want to sit at some kids party."

    Photos by Ivan Samkov and Gustavo Fring|Canva

    Mom refuses to let kid go to "drop-off" birthday party

    There are many Millennial moms that were raised on "Unsolved Mysteries" and "America's Most Wanted" during formative years, which may or may not have influenced the way they parent. It can be hard to think clearly when Robert Stack's voice is echoing in your head every time your child is out of eyesight. The jokes about what is responsible for the average Millennial's parenting style resembling more like a helicopter are endless. But sometimes additional caution is warranted where others may find it unnecessary.

    At least that's what many folks on the internet believe after one mom seemingly split parents into two camps with her revelation about children's parties. Liv, who goes by the TikTok handle Liv SAHM, takes to social media to explain that her seven-year-old son was invited to a birthday party but when she went to RSVP, she noticed the invitation said, "drop off only."

    The mom explains, "It's at someone's house. I don't know these parents. I don't know that there's actually going to be other adults besides this child's parents."

    Liv states that she would not be dropping her young child off alone with strangers. To many parents this seems like a reasonable response. If you don't know the parents or any other adults then how can you ensure your child will be safe. Other parents felt like Liv was completely overreacting with a helicopter parenting style.

    "Little kids have been going to peoples birthday parties without clingy parents for decades," one person declares.

    "I'm a drop off kinda house. I want the parents to leave that is one less person I have to feed. I don't wanna have to make small talk with other parents," another says.

    "That's a big no for me too! And I always try to take my kids to classmates parties because people never show up," someone writes.

    "That's so worrisome. I completely agree with you mama bear, same with my son," a commenter says.

    "Yeah, that would make me uncomfortable too! It's always a little interesting to me when parents drop off their kids at parties," someone else adds.

    @livsahm

    No thank you! I don’t feel comfortable with that. #mom #momsoftiktok #momlife #sahm #sahmlife #birthday #birthdayparty #celebration #controversial #parenting #parentingtips #parents #no

    There's no right or wrong way to throw a party for a kid because there's no rulebook. Generally parents are accustomed to seeing invitations that say no siblings or the offer of parents staying or leaving. Many commenters pointed out that it seemed odd that the invitation was worded in a way that sounded like parents staying wasn't an option.

    Some parents noted that the world has changed since they were children and wouldn't feel safe dropping their kids off either. Others found no issue with it and think fellow parents are overreacting. What do you say, odd or perfectly fine?

    From Your Site Articles
    parenting styles
    Family

    Dad shares what happens when you give your child books instead of a smartphone

    The key to fostering healthy habits in children is to be wholly present and reject the “pressures of convenience”

    via Armando Hart (used with permission)

    Armando Hart and his son, Raya.

    One of the most pressing dilemmas for parents these days is how much screen time they should allow their children. Research published by the Mayo Clinic shows that excessive screen time can lead to obesity, disrupted sleep, behavioral issues, poor academic performance, exposure to violence and a significant reduction in playtime.

    The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends limiting screen time to 1 to 2 hours daily for children over 2. But American children spend far more time in front of screens than that and the situation is only worsening.

    Before the pandemic, kids between the ages of 4 and 12 spent an average of 4.4 hours a day looking at screens, but since 2020, the average child’s daily screen time has increased by 1.75 hours.

    A father in Long Beach, California, is getting some love for his TikTok video sharing what happens when you give your kid books instead of an iPhone. Armando Hart posted a video showing his 10-year-old son, Raya, reading a book in the back of a car and it’s been seen over 8 million times.

    "Give them books instead of phones when they are little and this is the result," the caption reads. "Thank me later."

    We’re so blessed with our son Raya. I think he’s read more books than I have.

    @lifeinmotion08

    We’re so blessed with our son Raya. I think he’s read more books than I have. #Books #Read #Fyp

    Hart and his wife started reading to their son every night before bedtime, hoping to instill a love for books. "It was all about leading by example and creating a nurturing environment where reading was celebrated," Hart told Newsweek. These days, Raya is an avid reader who enjoys just about anything.

    “My son likes novels, fiction, nonfiction, and realistic fiction,” Hart told Upworthy. “He also likes informative content, such as reading the almanac and other informative magazines. He loves to build, cook from recipes, and make art.”

    For Hart, reading is all about creating a sense of balance in his son’s life.

    “It's not about being against technology but about fostering a balanced approach that prioritizes meaningful experiences and hands-on learning,” he told Upworthy. “By instilling a love for reading, creativity, and exploration early on, we're equipping Raya with the skills and mindset he needs to thrive in an ever-changing world.”

    Hart believes that the screen time discussion isn’t just about technology but a trend that goes deeper. “It speaks to a broader societal problem: our youth's lack of self-esteem, confidence and fundamental values. While screen time may exacerbate these issues, it is not the sole cause,” he told Upworthy.

    “In contrast, physical activity, such as exercise, promotes joy and well-being. Spending hours scrolling on a phone can detract from genuine moments of happiness and fulfillment,” he continued. “Therefore, we must address the deeper underlying issues affecting our youth's mental and emotional health rather than solely attributing them to screen time.”

    Hart believes the key to fostering healthy habits in children is to be wholly present and reject the “pressures of convenience” that encourage parental complacency.

    “We prioritize quality time together, whether exploring nature, sharing meals with the best available foods, or engaging in meaningful conversations. In today's rapidly advancing technological world, staying grounded in our humanity and embodying integrity in everything we do is crucial,” he continued. “This means staying connected to our authentic selves and teaching our son the importance of honesty, kindness, and respect.”

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