Ellen: So, you know on my show what I like to do is I like to promote kindness and equal rights, and I don't like labels and I don't see color. I'm like a cocker spaniel in that way. And I don't like pointing out differences between people, especially men and women. And I thought that women, we've made a lot of progress towards equality. We're allowed to vote, I think since 1982 now. And we can wear pants. We can drive at night. All those things have happened.
And then I saw something that makes me think we still have a little bit of ways to go. It's a new product from BIC(R), the pen company, and they have a new line of pens called BIC(R) for Her. This is totally real. They're pens just for ladies. I know what you're thinking. It's about damn time. Where have our pens been? Can you believe this? We've been using man pens all these years. Blech.
They come in both lady colors, pink and purple, and they're just like regular pens, except they're pink so they cost twice as much. That is absolutely true as well.
The worst part is they don't come with any instructions. So like how do they expect us to learn how to write with them, you know? I was reading the back of the pack. Well, I had a man read the back of the package to me, and it said it's designed to fit a woman's hand.
This is all true. I'm not making any of this up. "Designed to fit a woman's hand," what does that mean? Like so when we're taking down dictation from our bosses, we'll feel comfortable and we'll forget we're not getting paid as much?
I don't know. I mean, just think over the last 20 years, companies have spent millions of dollar making pills that grow men's hair and fix men's sex lives, and now ladies have a pen. Golly!
We have come a long way, baby. It's so ridiculous. And they called to ask me to be their spokesperson, and I was outraged. I said, "I will never do a commercial for you." And then they said how much they would pay me. I was like, "OK." So here's the commercial we shot:
Ellen: Oh! What's wrong, sweetie?
Girl: I don't know. Sometimes I just feel different.
Ellen: That's because you're growing up. I think it's time we had that talk, the pen talk.
Girl: But I can't handle those man pens.
Ellen: That's why you need the new BIC(R) for Her pen.
Girl: There's a pen for women?
Ellen: There is now. They're built strong enough for a man, but simple enough that even a woman can understand how to use them. Here's how it works. When you have an opinion, you write it down on a piece of paper and then crumple it up and throw it away, because no one wants to know our opinions, sweetheart.
Girl: Wow! What else can I do with a BIC(R) for Her pen?
Ellen: Well, you could use it to write down a grocery list or even recipes for when you need to feed your man. And it's indestructible, so it will stand up to all your wild mood swings.
Girl: It's so pretty!
Ellen: It's the only pen for ladies you'll ever need.
Girl: I can use it when I become president.
Ellen: Oh right. You're silly. We should get back now.
Narrator: BIC(R) for Her pens. For best results, use while barefoot and pregnant.
Ellen: Some jogging. We need to burn off some of those calories, keep fit. Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Come on, come on, come on girl. Come on girl. Come on.
Ellen: Oh, wow. I wish my mom would have talked to me about lady pens.There may be small errors in this transcript.