It’s 8 a.m.;
smack in the middle of the breakfast rush
an 8-top round,
4 twos and 3 four tops
Table 2 is low on water
booth 6 needs a new fork
5 needs coffee for the 67th time
4 actually finished their food yesterday, now they’re just chatting,
and 7's been waiting too long.
We’re out of syrup,
so I have to run down to dry storage,
When the front door opens, and he stalks in;
his jaw clenched so tight you can hear his teeth
cracking from the pressure.
He picks my last open six-top booth by himself.
And I’d like to offer to pull up a couple of spare tables
so he can really spread out,
but as he bellows
CAN I GET SOME SERVICE OVER HERE?
sarcastic comments might not fly
with this audience,
so I secretly nickname him "cranky,"
if the shoe fits.
Now 2 Starts waving their half-empty water glasses.
and 7’s foods up, so I load my arms
with plates I swear the cooks
baked in the kiln moments before!
Drop off food, they want tabasco
bring tabasco, they want OJ
bring OJ, they want extra napkins
bring napkins, they want another side of bacon.
Consider offering table four
pillows and blankets to make their stay here more comfortable.
Coffee table 5 for the 68th time
And as I’m expecting to see one of their arteries actually
burst through their skin I hear the unmistakable
rapid staccato clink
of fork against a plate.
Cranky’s stabbing his breakfast
like a venomous spider that just won’t die.
There appears to be something
viciously wrong with his food.
I steel myself for the worst.
Is everything all right sir?
WELL, THESE POTATOES ARE LIKE LEATHER
THE COFFEE IS JUST AWFUL
MY TOAST IS BURNT
AND THESE EGGS ARE HARDLY POACHED SOFT.
DID YOU NOT HEAR ME SAY SOFT?
Did they not cook that quite right?
Did you want me to maybe have your
mom come in and cut your toast into little bunny shapes?
Would that help?
Perhaps I could get your father on the phone
to finally tell you he loves you.
Could I get you a raise?
Would that make it better?
Or maybe I should just
supplicate myself before you
so you can
whip me with your menu.
If I get my boss over here to
fire me in front of you
would you sleep better tonight?
Would you like to see me
led out in handcuffs?
'Cause it’s not really about the food, here, is it?
Let’s get to the point.
You just want someone,
to have a shittier day and a shittier life than you.
So if I just
crumple to the floor in tears can we
bypass all this breakfast bullshit so I can
get that table their freaking water?
Dear God, look at them!
Their cheeks are caving in from dehydration!
You know if you people hadn’t gotten so drunk last night
you wouldn’t be this thirsty.
Is this going to effect my tip?
‘cause I’ve seen you before.
You always leave a shiny quarter, and I was
really hoping to get that
Now I realize
the fact I’m working here
must mean I can barely spell the word egg,
spend my off time watching soap operas
and clipping coupons from the Sunday shopper,
and if Aliens came to take
the finest of our species back to their planet
to breed a superhuman race,
they’d take you.
But I’m not here to prove my intelligence
I am here to take your order, bring it,
and drop off your check.
You are here to eat, pay, leave me that quarter
And at the end of the day,
I'm doing a poetry show that
unfortunately doesn’t quite yet cut my financial mustard.
cut through the crap and
finish this transaction
GOT ORDERS TO TAKEThere may be small errors in this transcript.